And the Cycle Continues…

Ahhhh to keep dating all over again, it’s a never ending saga!!! Some say it’s a blessing because it is fun and brings with it new opportunities to meet men. Partially that’s the truth but dating can also be very discouraging when it ends in unpredictable ways. Finally when I think I’ve mastered dating, I have to walk away, let it go, think positive and have to do it all over again.

The first meeting as I like to call them is the break it or make it phase. If I can get pass the first date and not want to run out of the place, then I know there is a slim chance I may see him again. The initial anxiety of meeting a complete stranger has now gone away. It’s sad but I rarely get nervous, but I still do get excited (depends on who it’s with ha). So after a couple of dates into it, I’ve decided that this person fits into my norm. Everything is moving a long, there are no signs that he’s psychotic and I’m actually liking the person that I’m getting to know. I’m even getting excited like a high school girl, daydreaming and thinking what the future may have in store for us.

A few months later have breezed on by, and out of no where, I get this strange feeling that something is wrong. My instincts kick in and in a dash I reach out to him inquiring if he is alright. The uncalming sensation in the pit of my stomach continues because of his response, “I’m fine”. Women usually say this, so when a man says this its usually a trigger word that there is a problem but it’s not the right time for it to be disclosed. Panic and other unsettling emotions soon follow because I realize that his actions and how I’m feeling are a bit too familiar. I’m trying to think positive but deep down I know that he wants to call it quits.  He will look deep into my eyes and tell me “its not going to work”, “we shouldn’t see each other anymore” or the magic words, “It’s me, not you”. So after a few days of making my observations, I’ve now confirmed the moment is approaching and it’s right around the corner. There is a pang in my heart because here comes the disappointment I’ve been so desperately trying to avoid. In my head, I begin to quickly run through all the scenarios and all the things that I could have done wrong. And the anxiety only intensifies.

I get a text from him, “can I come over” and of course I say sure.   It’s a typical weekend, but instead of getting ready to go out on a date.  I’m distracting myself by trying to look cute so that he has one last great mental picture of me. But no matter what I do or say to myself, I can’t prepare enough for the moment that is about to occur.  I open the door and lock eyes with him, hoping that he has changed his mind but the coldness that radiates from within him lets me  know that his plan is still on. He sits beside me in the awkward silence that feels like eternity and he glances over to me me and says exactly what I’ve been dreading, “we need to stop seeing each other” and it’s quickly followed by “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you”.  And I think to myself, but you’re doing it anyway.  So I simply reply, “OK” and let him ramble on and disclose his reasons for not wanting to continue a good thing.  (Obviously in his eyes, it’s not good thing!) After each of us takes a turn at our debate and get to explain each other’s side,  the unavoidable moment comes when he gets up and says good-bye.

This is a very familar scenario to say the least and after it’s done, I’m always left with questions and feel doubtful of my actions.  What is one supposed to do?  Should I have said or done something differently to change the outcome?  Should I have stopped him and persuaded him to stay?   Or better yet, ask if we can work it out?  Pretend what he said never happened, and kiss him passionately?  Should I have pleaded my case?   Tell him that he is wrong and he is making the biggest mistake of his life?  But I know, in the long run he is doing me a favor and this is how it has to end.   So instead I look away and hold back the tears and let the feeling of emptiness set in and let him walk out of my life for one last time.  Although most of the time I don’t agree with the good-bye, I close my eyes and led God lead me in the right path and give me strength to do it all over again.