Seasoned Bachelors

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who is about 42+ years old and you guessed it, she is also single.  She is accomplished, owns her company, intelligent and single mother of one.  She began sharing her stories about the men she’s met, dated, and those she has decided to stay in contact with.  These men are not young, they are of a mature age.  Because of her busy schedule, she has resorted to online dating and I would have to agree that for her it’s probably the best option.  She expressed how she has had no good luck, only disappointments but yet she isn’t ready to give up on finding love (sound familiar).  As I’m quietly listening, I’m thinking holy shit nothing changes as one gets older. I’m screwed!!!!

Here were her bachelors:

Bachelor #1 – the Starving Artist; lives a plane ride away.  He would be the perfect candidate except he doesn’t have a steady income and to see him would cost more than a nice pair of shoes.  When a man asks, will you support me?   You better run for the hills.  If it was me I would of never entertained him but when you have a connection with someone I guess your heart is leading more than the brain.

Bachelor #2 – the Disappearing Act;  Typical bad boy persona but camouflaged by his successful career, carefree mentality and a personality that meshes well with anyone.  The catch, it took him a few months to confess that he was still married and in the middle of a divorce.  He travels around the world without a care but yet dodges every chance to meet up with my friend.  However, he still reaches out to her for conversation (texts).  This type is the most intriguing but I know now in the long run this man would also not be a keeper.  But he’s temporarily entertaining her and that works for her.

Bachelor #3 – the Charmer; Speaks eloquently and seduces her with his words.   Has an art for painting a pretty picture that is very hard to not imagine oneself in it.  The charmer only says what he wants her to hear but won’t commit to anything including taking her out on a date.  His bait is to stay in communication even when she may not want to but who can ignore “good morning” text messages followed by “your beautiful” blah, blah, blah.  Been there and done that, I can spot a con artist from a mile a way.

Bachelor #4 – the Mr. Nice Guy;  I can’t speak for all women, but the ones I’ve encountered (including myself) claim that we can’t find a nice guy or that they are all taken or have fallen off the face of this planet.  Reality is a handful are still out there but the problem is that they are “not our type.”  Which typically means there is a lack of attraction and/or chemistry.  I don’t think a man can ever be too nice but yet I know many of us really wish to find the perfect balance between a nice and bad boy type .  (I highly doubt they exist).  Since he was the nice guy, he actually asked her out on date.   Towards the end of the date she said she felt no chemistry and that was the end of Mr. Nice Guy.  I’ve also have been in this exact situation and have felt the same way.  Hoping that he would grow on me by the end of the night, but I don’t dismiss him until I’m certain he is a wreck.  If I see potential even though I feel no chemistry, I will take a risk.

I’m really trying to believe that all the Mr. Wrongs and Mr. Not Right Nows will lead me to what suits me best.  One is still out there!

 

 

‘Tis The Season

to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la….

I love the end of the year because I get to celebrate several holidays that are so close to each other; I get to spend quality time with my family, give/receive gifts (always nice), volunteer (although this year with my crazy schedule, I opted out).  But the best part is that I get some days off from work and get to eat whatever I want without feeling guilty.  All while gaining a couple of pounds and then I make excuses and blame it on the holiday season.  It’s a win win for everyone!

The holiday season is a time to spend it with loved ones but for me it’s also a great reminder that if it wasn’t for my immediate family it would just be me, myself, and I.   Now, don’t get me wrong I know I’m never going to be truly alone but it’s the feeling that I get during this time of a year.  I have a close circle of friends who I know I can count on if I ever needed them.  But as I get older the reality sets in a little deeper and that is that all my friends have their own families; boyfriends, fiancés, husbands and children that they will be spending time with.

I’m not here to throw myself a pity party that’s not my style because I have everything that I’ve worked so hard for and I’m thankful, appreciative for every single thing and friends that I have in my life.  I know there are people that have it a lot worst. They may not have an immediate family, have lost someone close to them, or may not even have a place to call home.  As my friend always tells me, “be happy that you aren’t shitting into a colostomy bag”.  And I truly am happy but I’m also human and I’m allowed to have emotions that resonate when the holiday season comes around.  And it’s not intentional but I do have constant cues all around me especially from the mouths of people that don’t know me and question my single status.

My normal tradition for Thanksgiving and Christmas is to go to my parent’s house for dinner with my brothers.  We don’t do anything fancy, just the five of us enjoying a home cooked meal and spending time together.  There was nothing out if the ordinary that occurred for Christmas but for Thanksgiving, that’s another story.  The day after Thanksgiving, I went back to my parent’s house for some left overs and to my surprise my parents had a guest (they never have company).

It was one of my dad’s long time friend who lives out of state, so I guess this was a special occasion.  The friend came with his 5 year old daughter but no wife.  If I had to guess I would say he is in his late forties and remarried twice (so he must be an expert in relationships) .  Since he was not paying attention to his daughter, I had the lovely task of entertaining and playing with her.  Out of no where the friend yells from across the room to get my attention.  And I hear one of many annoying questions I’m accustomed to getting.  But yet I’m always caught of guard and feel like I never have the answer that will shut them up.  Out of respect for my elders, the answers I really want to give, I always keep to myself.   Here it comes,  “are you dating? why aren’t you married by now? how old are you again?”  After I disclosed my age, he continued with his questions, one being “what are you doing wrong?”  I gave him a snarky remark that I’m not the problem and it’s the type of men that I meet.

He proceeded to have a conversation by himself as I was not really engaged and I was more excited to play with a five year old than participate in this f.a.q.  However, my parents were his audience so he continued.  After the questions, came the advice and the judgmental comments.  His job was to figure out why I was single and he was going to give me the answer I was so desperately searching for.   Ah ha, “you must be very picky” stated the friend.  And I responded respectfully that I should be picky and have standards because if I have my life together then the other person should also be at the same level as me.    His worldly advice came next.  I shouldn’t give up (who said I did),  I have to think positive (who said I’m not) and the best one was that I should try online dating (been there, done that) or perhaps go back to my country because I’m guaranteed to find someone there (great, marry for papers).  Normally, comments like this don’t phase me but this was all coming from someone who barely knew me.  The kicker is he met his second wife through an online dating site which I didn’t even care to ask what it was.

My parents must of been having the time of their life listening to this banter.  My parents have never questioned why I’m single or pressured me for marriage or grandchildren.  Surprisingly, my mother chimed in and said, “I think she’s the problem.”  At this point, I was annoyed and hurt but not by the friend but by my mother’s response.  How could she say that and worst yet that she actually thought that I’m to blame and at fault for being single.  Meanwhile she’s heard about all my heartbreaks and disappointments.  I was in shock, but I had to remain the three Cs…cool, calm, collected.  As I’m sitting there trying to ignore them and not letting their 50 questions get to me.  I wanted to yell, curse and defend myself but I decided I wasn’t going to.  I didn’t need to explain why I’m single or defend myself especially to my own family.  I’ve learned staying silent isn’t a sign a weakness, it’s just simply giving me a chance to not black out on people and demonstrating that I don’t need to fight with words.  I now rather listen, absorb, and analyze all the things I hear and if it’s worthwhile I’ll retain it.

But I must say it is frustrating when people don’t understand that I’m doing everything that I can to put myself out there and it’s just not happening for me.  It’s not my time right now and I’m okay with that.  Do people think I suddenly just woke up and don’t have a clue on what it’s like to be single, hmmm I wonder.  I love how people think they know what it’s like to be single when they haven’t gone out on a date in several years. I know the advise I get is only to be taken in a positive light and to motivate me.  However, at this stage in my life I’m pretty sure I’ve heard about 90% of the same advise.  I’m a learner by nature and I don’t mind constructive criticism.  I’ve actually reached out and asked about myself so that I don’t make the same mistakes.  So for now, I’m going to keep on trucking and ignore what everyone says haha.

Happy New Year everyone!

The Past

In the world of dating, there are so many do’s and don’ts especially when it comes to divulging your past i.e. exes.  It’s one of the biggest “no, no rules” and should be followed to a T (so I’ve heard). There are several reasons why discussing an ex is a bad idea.  For example, you may lead the other person to believe that one is still attached to that previous relationship, there are pending unresolved issues, ex could be lingering, and lastly you get or you may prematurely judge based on some old stories.  Throughout the years, I’ve learned to bite my tongue and not discuss recent exes nor do I fish around for additional information.  I’ve made up my own guidelines in that I don’t mind discussing anything over 5 years old. I guess i feel like my old news is irrelevant but at same time it’s enough information to let the other person know that I can hold a relationship for more than a year and that I’m sane.  Don’t get me wrong, I do ask questions here and there and if the person is willing to discuss great, but if they are hesitant then I respect their privacy and drop the subject.

But what if bringing up a past relationship is the only key to getting a glimpse of what the other person is really like?  Isn’t it better to know sooner than later?  Granted, in my experience when i used to ask, I was lied to but at least I got a peace of mind knowing that I asked.  What if the person was hiding that they were still in contact with an ex, used to cheat, had anger issues or had even better had crazy fetishes?  Not all experiences with exes are negative, it could of been a learning experience that might be worth sharing.

I still don’t know the answer, should it be inquired or left in the past? Is it okay to dig a little bit to unveil any potential red flags?  Is it worth the risk knowing/judging before you truly get to know the person?  Or is it better to go in blindly and let the truth reveal itself later.  I have realized the truth does always surface but at times too late and that’s when I say to myself, “damn it I wished I would of interrogated his a**”.  I’m still debating what I should do in the future!