3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

I haven’t had too much free time on my hands to blog. But hopefully in a month I’ll have a few days off where I can unwind and share my thoughts on what’s been going on. I haven’t been dating much but I still got some stories sitting on the back burner.

I just wanted to share this article, it’s short, sweet and to the point: (And most importantly I had time to read it!)
3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

1. Play the game – DON’T DO PLAY, just go with the flow. If it’s supposed to happen it will.

2. Never split the check – Now a days it’s a myth, offer to pay after a few initials dates. If you don’t want this to be a mans world, pay a little too!

3. You’ll find love when you least expect it – I’ve heard this a quadrillion times and I’m glad the article is on my side. I may find it when I least expect it but I’m going to have to put in some work. As my parents used to tell me, “si quieres pescar, mojate”. Translation, if you want to fish, get wet.

Thanks Self Magazine!!!

Until next time!

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Therapy, Why Not?

Since the age of 21, I’ve had this bad habit of dating men who needed therapy after our relationship ended. I don’t really know what that says about me. Was our relationship so bad that I sent them straight to the doctor’s office? Or am I just so talented and lucky that I make these men see the light. It’s never been for my benefit but for the next gal; she has always received the fixed version.

Many moons ago, I was head over heels, first true love, thought he was the one, my best friend forever and my longest relationship of six years. We were young, naive, stupid and dumb but we made it work because we became friends first and everything else fell into place as we matured together. However, after a few years it was becoming apparent that he was developing big time issues. I could probably write entire blog just about that relationship but I’ll skip to the end and say it didn’t work out. He never proposed, I never got engaged and our relationship ended on bad terms. Although, the breakup devastated me, it was easier to move on because he didn’t live in the same state and as the old cliché says time heals everything. When I finally listened, he apologized and admitted all his faults. I decided to forgive him and remained distant friends with him. We still had a connection, it wasn’t easy to just throw away six years of friendship. Years later he told me that he had gone to therapy in order to understand why he was never satisfied by one woman and why he was so scared of commitment. He wanted to change and never put another woman through what he put me through. Today he is with the love of his life (whom I’ve met) and I couldn’t be any happier for him. His hard work paid off!!!

At another time of my life, I dated what I like to call the angry man. I didn’t know he had anger issues when I met him but it didn’t take long before he started expressing himself very clearly. He never disrespected me in any way and his anger was towards the world. I wasn’t with him for to long to figure out his baggage and what was causing him to behave this way. But I also had my radar up and smart enough to recognize that we would not work. I couldn’t be with someone whos anger overshadowed his other amazing qualities. I walked away and never looked back. I never kept in contact with him but after 3 years something made me reach out to him and make my peace with him. He accepted my invitation and during our meet and greet he disclosed how he screwed up his last relationship and how he was to blame. He admitted and recognized he had issues and decided to seek a professional. I never kept in contact with him after that rendezvous because I could still see that his tendencies to snap were at the surface. In his case, I think he needed more therapy.

The next man, takes the winning prize for being the most complex person I’ve ever encountered. Although I’ve never met anyone who suffered from bipolar disorder, I would say this ex was pretty close to it. He needed to be on medication because he definitely had some type of mental of issue. By far, the worst relationship of my life but at the same time the most self illuminating one. I’ll leave the horrid details out about what type of man he was or what he did or didn’t do. The relationship crumbled but not fast enough because it dragged on for a year. After some time I had very serious wake up calls that allowed me to slowly peel away. He was probably the first man where I recognized he needed to seek professional help because there was nothing I could do or say to help him. I used to beg him to get therapy and towards the end of our relationship he took my advice. Although he seemed to have gotten a little better he was no where near normal. Our relationship was way beyond damaged that nothing could save it, not even therapy. For a short period, I tried being his friend but sad to say, him and I could never be friends. I just couldn’t keep surrounding myself with negative energy that could easily affect me and bring out the worst in me. For his own sanity and happiness, I hope that he continues therapy.

Last but not least, a relationship that ended abruptly without a verbalized reason. I say verbalized because I know there was a reason but it wasn’t disclosed to me until months later after the breakup. Bottom line, he just couldn’t or didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. I can’t even begin to guess why noncommittal guy couldn’t be in a long term relationship. I’ve reached no concrete conclusions other than maybe “he’s just not that into you”. Although, I don’t know if he will ever get therapy he may be a good candidate for it. So in a few years, through the grapevine I may hear that he got married. And then I’ll get that wonderful text message from him that says, thanks…I went to therapy!

I’ve questioned myself if there is something about me that draws these men with really deep rooted issues or why I’ve accepted them in my life. With all my experiences, I’ve learned to identify the red flags from a mile a way. However, some have continued to try and mask it but eventually I’ve pin point it and run for the hills. At other times, I have fallen for the wrong one but managed to get myself right back up and do it all over again. I think therapy is a great tool for anyone even if you don’t have deep rooted issues. Sometimes speaking to an unbiased person who knows nothing about you can help tremendously. And in the end if you are not happy with who you are or what you are doing in life…then do something about it to change it. I’m an advocate for therapy. It’s changed my life and I’m happy that at least these men were proactive enough to seek help and that’s a plus in my book. So if you are second guessing yourself and debating whether you need therapy, follow your instincts and make an appointment at a therapist near you!!!

I’ve Been Drinking!!!

Like my favorite entertainer Beyonce, says, “I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking”. I’ve sang these lyrics on several good and bad occasions. I don’t always drink but when I do it’s wine or kettle club, either one will do the trick. When I’m out to dinner or just out for drinks with great company I will not hold back from having a cocktail or two, well okay three. The night flies by with flowing conversation, laughter, or dancing with my favorite girls making memorable times. Then it’s that time of the night where we have to say our good nights.

I arrive home and my dog greets me with her ever so loyal and unconditional love. I’m dehydrated , tired and hit the sack like a ton of bricks. While I’m laying in bed, the room is spinning and I start singing in my head, “I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking”. Suddenly my hand reaches for my phone and my fingers take over, before I know it I’m texting someone I shouldn’t be. Technology is the devil in disguise. Slowly, I’m slurring my texts but I have some logic left because I’m telling myself, “he isnt going to reply, estupida”. And I coax myself to go to sleep….and right as I’m nodding off. I get a response back and all of sudden I’m awake and giddy. I think, here is my chance to spill my guts and blame it on the a-a-al-alcohol. However, I must not be that intoxicated because I’m able to hold back my true feelings for just the right amount time. But eventually after exchanging a few messages back and forth I get to the nitty gritty. I spill how I’m truely feeling. I’ve been injected with the truth serum. I miss you, why, come over blah blah.

Next morning, I look at my phone and want to slap myself for the nonsense I’ve said or even worse, I look next to me and say what the fuck is wrong with me because there is an extra body laying next to me…and it’s not my dog. There is a plus one that was not accounted for. Clearly, I had a fantastic night but for the wrong reasons. This man that I was once in a relationship with is not there for the right reasons. If he was, then he wouldn’t be my ex. He kisses me good bye and the guilt starts to set in. I’m not happy with my actions and I’m very hard on myself for making a bad decision. I know it takes two but I initiated it so I take full responsibility.

Many might be reading this whether your a man or woman and thinking “damn I’ve been there and done that”. And your giggling or crying because you know the night didn’t end the way you wanted it to (or it’s exactly what you wanted). Subconsciously I wanted the night to have a fairytale ending. I wanted my knight and shinning armor to tell me all the things that I wanted to hear. I wanted him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and cuddle with me all night. Tell me how sorry he was and how he would do anything to make things work.

Well…we all know that’s a damn fantasy. This is not how the night or the next day ends. He leaves and all you have left is a bit of dignity and your own thoughts. I’ve learned the hard way, you can’t expect something positive to result from a night of drunk texting especially if you still care about the person. The only one who it’s going to affect is me, myself, and I. He will still and only be a distant memory of what it used to be. So for your sake and mine, please drink so much that you can’t find your phone or locate the charger because it’s about to die. Because that’s actually the better turn out.

To My Wife

Is this a dream, wait no…it’s our reality
Can we go back in time and reminisce
Flashbacks of our lives and how it all started
Beginning when we first crossed paths at AT&T Wireless

Fourteen years ago we were just naïve kids
Sat in 4×4 cubes right across from one another
Working, talking, smiling, and flirting
Never would of imagined we would end up married

Planned and plotted how to would win you over
There was no limit to what I was willing to do
Wanted to do anything, didn’t care what it took
Because I knew what my future had in store for you

You were very different from all the rest
A light shined within you, perfect in every way
I had to thank God for you, I was truly blessed
Determined to treasure you each and every day

The love you gave me was so raw and pure
Never felt this intense connection before
Not just the physical beauty you possessed
Your nurturing, passionate and caring ways

You gave me the best gift anyone can ask for
You said “I do” through sickness and health
My life was just what I would call perfect
Then, before I knew it, I became a father of two

It’s no surprise of the amazing woman you’ve become
The love, strength and courage you portray
You continue to be my ultimate warrior princess
Brings me comfort even though I’m not here with you today

I may no longer be here physically in this place
To spend my days and grow old with you and the kids
But trust in me mi amor, I’ll never leave your side
I’ll guide and help you through this so called journey

You will always be the woman of my dreams
My best friend, companion, wife and soul mate
No matter where I am, I’m watching over you
I Will always whisper in your ear “I Love You”

Thank you for being an amazing wife and mother
I had the life and love anyone would be so lucky to have
I’ll say goodnight for now and see you when you dream
Until we reunite again, “Love you with every fiber in my being”

Dedicated to my best friend.

Third Time Is A Bust

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I’m baffled by why some men will do all the “right” things to get a woman to go out on a date and yet they don’t see a serious relationship anywhere in their near future.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one date will determine or lead to a serious relationship.  But why invest time in calling/texting, showing genuine interest, effort and money if the objective is to date only for fun and not have a serious goal in mind.  In the beginning dating should be fun for both parties, but I’m past that stage.   I’m not dating to have a good old time and I date so that eventually I meet someone I’m compatible with and could put and end to this vicious dating cycle.  In my experience some men that I’ve encountered, yes they do only want to score, others were juggling women and couldn’t decide what to do, had an ex lingering around that they weren’t ready to walk away from, had commitment issues and others were in the miscellaneous category because I don’t know what the hell was wrong with them.  I also choose to believe that not all men will go to the extremes just to get laid but maybe I’m wrong.  So I ask why are there so many men out there who don’t want relationships but just want to date the entire country?

Which brings me to mention this man that I met a month ago and went out on two dates.  The first date was normal everything seemed to be going according to plan, there were no blatant red flags, he was easy on the eyes and very respectful.  Throughout the entire night he acted a bit aloof and I concluded that he was not interested in pursuing me any further.  I can normally read men pretty easily because they tend to be verbally or physically able to show that they are interested.  But I couldn’t make heads or tails with this one.  So we hugged and said our good byes.  But to my surprise,  on the ride back home, I received texts that clearly said he had a great time, complimented me and shared his thoughts on how the date went and asked to see me again.  I was in shock that we both had mutual intentions.

Leading up to the second date, I started to pick up on some things, as I like to call them shady behaviors (that will be on another blog).  By nature I’m an analyzer and I pick up on small things but it’s my instinct and intuition that always drives it home for me.  Bottom line, his actions were not in sync with his spit game.  The second date rolls around after two weeks and now we are a bit more comfortable with each other.  I was excited and not thinking of any of the previous minor red flags.  I wanted to have fun and hoped that it would lead to date #3.  Once again date was on point;  laughter, chemistry and flow of conversation were all there.  Until I started to get distracted by his phone going off, him texting and stated that his friend was trying to reach him because he wanted to meet up with us.  Mmmmm, whattttt…why would you ask your friend to meet up with us after dinner, I started to smell a hint of B.S.  I didn’t verbally say what I was thinking as I’m sure he would dropped my ass home.   By this point I no longer had a buzz and I was starting to see the clear picture, “he’s not that into you”.   It was as if he was physically there but not really present.  We finished dinner and later headed to a bar for some additional drinks.   I was confused because I thought the date was over but I went along with it, I’m not a party pooper.  After an hour of being at the bar,  he bluntly said “I’m done with my drink”.  As if that was my signal to hurry up and finish my drink because he was ready to leave. I thought that was a bit rude but I took his lead and we left.  He pulled up to my place and I was annoyed and ready to make snarky remarks.   Yet before I could give him a piece of my mind, he began to say how he wanted to take me out again and how he had a great time blah blah blah.   I quickly replied, “so I’ll see you in  another two weeks” and he just giggled and disagreed.   I was tired and didn’t want to engage in small chat so I asked him to walk me in.  He stuttered and said to the door or to the front gate…..this is when I knew I didn’t pick the brightest bulb out of the bunch.

I didn’t hear from him for the next few days.  My gut feeling was telling me that he wasn’t focused because there was another female in the picture.  Again, it’s okay to do that but for the love of dating learn to juggle and be discreet about it.  Did he really think I was that dumb to think I wouldn’t catch on to his shenanigans?  Needless to say, I caught him in a lie that I did not overlook.   He did eventually reach out to me and I just responded with, “do you think I’m dumb”? Yes, I acknowledge that was a bit random and crazy but it was the truth.  I wanted to be sure that he understood I was not willing to play the same game.   And what do you know,  I haven’t heard from him ever since that last text.  Third time is not always a charm, in my case it was a bust!!!!  Through these experiences, I feel that some men may think because they are good at wining and dining that I will be naïve to everything else.  When the red flags are there, I will be on you like flies on shit and then walk away.  Please be up front and don’t wait to be told you are doing something wrong.  I’m no one to judge, I don’t see anything wrong with dating multiple people at the same time but don’t blatantly lie and get caught that’s just setting up the stage for a disaster.

Maybe I Was Delusional

A few years ago, I had given myself a peculiar goal and that was to be in a relationship.  I was already going on 3 years of being single and conversing with my dog was getting a little ridiculous.  I was trying to change my thinking process and be more positive.  I was finally ready to be in healthy relationship.  I knew that in a matter of time and by some mystical force my stallion would come stumbling into my life.   The year was flying by and I had not scored a damn thing.  I was dateless, bored and horny, but I wasn’t ready to give up.  I still had hope even though I was not being proactive and putting myself out there.  My life continued as it always did with work, gym, dog, family and friends…repeat.

The most exciting part of my monotonous life was when an old acquaintance that I had not seen or kept in contact in over 10 years suddenly resurfaced via a social media network. Like the rest of America, there were no other means of old school communication other than email. He had reached out once and simply invited me to a birthday party.  I declined but with it I sent my phone number.   I was intrigued by his random email and was silently chanting “date, drink, date, drink!!!!”  One random night I was out with a friend of mine at a local bar, without a care in the world we continued yapping and of course sipping on some cocktails.  The alcohol had now marinated and I was starting to feel it’s effects when I realized no one was buying us drinks, what a crock!  Suddenly, this old acquaintance popped into my head.  I don’t know if it was my drunk boldness that kicked into high gear or if I just wanted a free drink.  Regardless, I had not planned my next move and I just hit send on my phone. The text message  read, “hey what are you doing, if you aren’t busy come meet up with us”.  Later that night, he made his appearance.  There was no awkwardness, it was as if I had lunch with him a week ago.  After getting home at around 3 a.m., I remembered thinking I had so much fun with practically a stranger.  Although, there were no obvious signs that he was into me I  had a gut feeling that he would ask me out on a date.   A few days later, we went on our first date.  Finally my spell was broken.  Yesssss!!!!

One of my dating rituals is to never allow a man to pick me up at my place of residence, I always drive myself to the designated meeting location.  Oddly enough when he asked for my address I did not hesitate and provided it.  I was already being opened without really acknowledging it.  Initially, I had no reservations about him nor did I ask any questions about the date in order to avoid disappointment.  When we arrived at the restaurant, I knew this was no Outback Steak House with free refills kind of date. This was the real deal, anything but ordinary.  Conversation was flowing as if I had known him my entire life.  We discussed topics that would be off the wall to share on a first date but neither of us cared.  We were both smitten and had an instant connection.  I had never expected the night to go as well as it did.  I was the least to say pleasantly surprised, impressed and excited to see what was next.  The months to follow were consistent, his actions matched what he was declaring were his feelings.  We continued to have dates galore!

All seemed perfect which is why I internally started to question his intentions, was he really who he said he was?  I began to also question my feelings and began to feel like he was not being genuine as if there was something he didn’t want to disclose.  It made me weary and doubted if I wanted to be in a relationship with this man.  And so I asked myself, “I’ve waited all this time so why am I not jumping on the opportunity to alas have what I’ve been yearning for…my better half”.  I slapped myself out my analytical ways and decided to live a little and stop listening to my fears.  I put my big girl panties on and figured the worst that can happen is I get hurt, but in the meantime I was ready for us to be a happy powerful couple.  The relationship felt amazing, I felt as if I finally had found the male version of me.  We had so much in common and even our thinking process was alike.  I was proud to be his girlfriend and  I had nothing to hide about him or myself.  After so many years I felt like I was with someone who got me and adored me with all my flaws an all.   All the stereotypes of how a man is supposed to court a woman when you are initially dating were true.  If I had a checklist…I would be saying, check, check and check.

Sounded to good to be true…. and before I knew it the relationship was done, over, squashed, finito, no mas. Yes, I blinked and he decided to end it and wanted out.  First time in years, I did not see the breakup coming from any angle. I didn’t get a bad vibe or assumed the worst. I thought at least we would make it past half a year but boy was I wrong.  Although short lived, it had to be one of the best shortest relationships I’ve ever had.  Reality was that I barely knew him, I just knew what he pretended to be.  The same way he popped up into my life is the exact same way he left.  I definitely got bamboozled and should of listened to my intuition. However, I don’t regret ever bumping into him. He had a purpose. I found the old me prior to being jaded by unsuccessful relationships.   I realized that its okay to want to be treated like a queen because I deserved it and there are plenty of men who will treat their woman as so.   The good times will always be treasured and the experience will never be forgotten.  I will eternally be grateful for everything that I learned.

Crossed Paths