Seasoned Bachelors

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who is about 42+ years old and you guessed it, she is also single.  She is accomplished, owns her company, intelligent and single mother of one.  She began sharing her stories about the men she’s met, dated, and those she has decided to stay in contact with.  These men are not young, they are of a mature age.  Because of her busy schedule, she has resorted to online dating and I would have to agree that for her it’s probably the best option.  She expressed how she has had no good luck, only disappointments but yet she isn’t ready to give up on finding love (sound familiar).  As I’m quietly listening, I’m thinking holy shit nothing changes as one gets older. I’m screwed!!!!

Here were her bachelors:

Bachelor #1 – the Starving Artist; lives a plane ride away.  He would be the perfect candidate except he doesn’t have a steady income and to see him would cost more than a nice pair of shoes.  When a man asks, will you support me?   You better run for the hills.  If it was me I would of never entertained him but when you have a connection with someone I guess your heart is leading more than the brain.

Bachelor #2 – the Disappearing Act;  Typical bad boy persona but camouflaged by his successful career, carefree mentality and a personality that meshes well with anyone.  The catch, it took him a few months to confess that he was still married and in the middle of a divorce.  He travels around the world without a care but yet dodges every chance to meet up with my friend.  However, he still reaches out to her for conversation (texts).  This type is the most intriguing but I know now in the long run this man would also not be a keeper.  But he’s temporarily entertaining her and that works for her.

Bachelor #3 – the Charmer; Speaks eloquently and seduces her with his words.   Has an art for painting a pretty picture that is very hard to not imagine oneself in it.  The charmer only says what he wants her to hear but won’t commit to anything including taking her out on a date.  His bait is to stay in communication even when she may not want to but who can ignore “good morning” text messages followed by “your beautiful” blah, blah, blah.  Been there and done that, I can spot a con artist from a mile a way.

Bachelor #4 – the Mr. Nice Guy;  I can’t speak for all women, but the ones I’ve encountered (including myself) claim that we can’t find a nice guy or that they are all taken or have fallen off the face of this planet.  Reality is a handful are still out there but the problem is that they are “not our type.”  Which typically means there is a lack of attraction and/or chemistry.  I don’t think a man can ever be too nice but yet I know many of us really wish to find the perfect balance between a nice and bad boy type .  (I highly doubt they exist).  Since he was the nice guy, he actually asked her out on date.   Towards the end of the date she said she felt no chemistry and that was the end of Mr. Nice Guy.  I’ve also have been in this exact situation and have felt the same way.  Hoping that he would grow on me by the end of the night, but I don’t dismiss him until I’m certain he is a wreck.  If I see potential even though I feel no chemistry, I will take a risk.

I’m really trying to believe that all the Mr. Wrongs and Mr. Not Right Nows will lead me to what suits me best.  One is still out there!

 

 

‘Tis The Season

to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la….

I love the end of the year because I get to celebrate several holidays that are so close to each other; I get to spend quality time with my family, give/receive gifts (always nice), volunteer (although this year with my crazy schedule, I opted out).  But the best part is that I get some days off from work and get to eat whatever I want without feeling guilty.  All while gaining a couple of pounds and then I make excuses and blame it on the holiday season.  It’s a win win for everyone!

The holiday season is a time to spend it with loved ones but for me it’s also a great reminder that if it wasn’t for my immediate family it would just be me, myself, and I.   Now, don’t get me wrong I know I’m never going to be truly alone but it’s the feeling that I get during this time of a year.  I have a close circle of friends who I know I can count on if I ever needed them.  But as I get older the reality sets in a little deeper and that is that all my friends have their own families; boyfriends, fiancés, husbands and children that they will be spending time with.

I’m not here to throw myself a pity party that’s not my style because I have everything that I’ve worked so hard for and I’m thankful, appreciative for every single thing and friends that I have in my life.  I know there are people that have it a lot worst. They may not have an immediate family, have lost someone close to them, or may not even have a place to call home.  As my friend always tells me, “be happy that you aren’t shitting into a colostomy bag”.  And I truly am happy but I’m also human and I’m allowed to have emotions that resonate when the holiday season comes around.  And it’s not intentional but I do have constant cues all around me especially from the mouths of people that don’t know me and question my single status.

My normal tradition for Thanksgiving and Christmas is to go to my parent’s house for dinner with my brothers.  We don’t do anything fancy, just the five of us enjoying a home cooked meal and spending time together.  There was nothing out if the ordinary that occurred for Christmas but for Thanksgiving, that’s another story.  The day after Thanksgiving, I went back to my parent’s house for some left overs and to my surprise my parents had a guest (they never have company).

It was one of my dad’s long time friend who lives out of state, so I guess this was a special occasion.  The friend came with his 5 year old daughter but no wife.  If I had to guess I would say he is in his late forties and remarried twice (so he must be an expert in relationships) .  Since he was not paying attention to his daughter, I had the lovely task of entertaining and playing with her.  Out of no where the friend yells from across the room to get my attention.  And I hear one of many annoying questions I’m accustomed to getting.  But yet I’m always caught of guard and feel like I never have the answer that will shut them up.  Out of respect for my elders, the answers I really want to give, I always keep to myself.   Here it comes,  “are you dating? why aren’t you married by now? how old are you again?”  After I disclosed my age, he continued with his questions, one being “what are you doing wrong?”  I gave him a snarky remark that I’m not the problem and it’s the type of men that I meet.

He proceeded to have a conversation by himself as I was not really engaged and I was more excited to play with a five year old than participate in this f.a.q.  However, my parents were his audience so he continued.  After the questions, came the advice and the judgmental comments.  His job was to figure out why I was single and he was going to give me the answer I was so desperately searching for.   Ah ha, “you must be very picky” stated the friend.  And I responded respectfully that I should be picky and have standards because if I have my life together then the other person should also be at the same level as me.    His worldly advice came next.  I shouldn’t give up (who said I did),  I have to think positive (who said I’m not) and the best one was that I should try online dating (been there, done that) or perhaps go back to my country because I’m guaranteed to find someone there (great, marry for papers).  Normally, comments like this don’t phase me but this was all coming from someone who barely knew me.  The kicker is he met his second wife through an online dating site which I didn’t even care to ask what it was.

My parents must of been having the time of their life listening to this banter.  My parents have never questioned why I’m single or pressured me for marriage or grandchildren.  Surprisingly, my mother chimed in and said, “I think she’s the problem.”  At this point, I was annoyed and hurt but not by the friend but by my mother’s response.  How could she say that and worst yet that she actually thought that I’m to blame and at fault for being single.  Meanwhile she’s heard about all my heartbreaks and disappointments.  I was in shock, but I had to remain the three Cs…cool, calm, collected.  As I’m sitting there trying to ignore them and not letting their 50 questions get to me.  I wanted to yell, curse and defend myself but I decided I wasn’t going to.  I didn’t need to explain why I’m single or defend myself especially to my own family.  I’ve learned staying silent isn’t a sign a weakness, it’s just simply giving me a chance to not black out on people and demonstrating that I don’t need to fight with words.  I now rather listen, absorb, and analyze all the things I hear and if it’s worthwhile I’ll retain it.

But I must say it is frustrating when people don’t understand that I’m doing everything that I can to put myself out there and it’s just not happening for me.  It’s not my time right now and I’m okay with that.  Do people think I suddenly just woke up and don’t have a clue on what it’s like to be single, hmmm I wonder.  I love how people think they know what it’s like to be single when they haven’t gone out on a date in several years. I know the advise I get is only to be taken in a positive light and to motivate me.  However, at this stage in my life I’m pretty sure I’ve heard about 90% of the same advise.  I’m a learner by nature and I don’t mind constructive criticism.  I’ve actually reached out and asked about myself so that I don’t make the same mistakes.  So for now, I’m going to keep on trucking and ignore what everyone says haha.

Happy New Year everyone!

The Past

In the world of dating, there are so many do’s and don’ts especially when it comes to divulging your past i.e. exes.  It’s one of the biggest “no, no rules” and should be followed to a T (so I’ve heard). There are several reasons why discussing an ex is a bad idea.  For example, you may lead the other person to believe that one is still attached to that previous relationship, there are pending unresolved issues, ex could be lingering, and lastly you get or you may prematurely judge based on some old stories.  Throughout the years, I’ve learned to bite my tongue and not discuss recent exes nor do I fish around for additional information.  I’ve made up my own guidelines in that I don’t mind discussing anything over 5 years old. I guess i feel like my old news is irrelevant but at same time it’s enough information to let the other person know that I can hold a relationship for more than a year and that I’m sane.  Don’t get me wrong, I do ask questions here and there and if the person is willing to discuss great, but if they are hesitant then I respect their privacy and drop the subject.

But what if bringing up a past relationship is the only key to getting a glimpse of what the other person is really like?  Isn’t it better to know sooner than later?  Granted, in my experience when i used to ask, I was lied to but at least I got a peace of mind knowing that I asked.  What if the person was hiding that they were still in contact with an ex, used to cheat, had anger issues or had even better had crazy fetishes?  Not all experiences with exes are negative, it could of been a learning experience that might be worth sharing.

I still don’t know the answer, should it be inquired or left in the past? Is it okay to dig a little bit to unveil any potential red flags?  Is it worth the risk knowing/judging before you truly get to know the person?  Or is it better to go in blindly and let the truth reveal itself later.  I have realized the truth does always surface but at times too late and that’s when I say to myself, “damn it I wished I would of interrogated his a**”.  I’m still debating what I should do in the future!

And the Cycle Continues…

Ahhhh to keep dating all over again, it’s a never ending saga!!! Some say it’s a blessing because it is fun and brings with it new opportunities to meet men. Partially that’s the truth but dating can also be very discouraging when it ends in unpredictable ways. Finally when I think I’ve mastered dating, I have to walk away, let it go, think positive and have to do it all over again.

The first meeting as I like to call them is the break it or make it phase. If I can get pass the first date and not want to run out of the place, then I know there is a slim chance I may see him again. The initial anxiety of meeting a complete stranger has now gone away. It’s sad but I rarely get nervous, but I still do get excited (depends on who it’s with ha). So after a couple of dates into it, I’ve decided that this person fits into my norm. Everything is moving a long, there are no signs that he’s psychotic and I’m actually liking the person that I’m getting to know. I’m even getting excited like a high school girl, daydreaming and thinking what the future may have in store for us.

A few months later have breezed on by, and out of no where, I get this strange feeling that something is wrong. My instincts kick in and in a dash I reach out to him inquiring if he is alright. The uncalming sensation in the pit of my stomach continues because of his response, “I’m fine”. Women usually say this, so when a man says this its usually a trigger word that there is a problem but it’s not the right time for it to be disclosed. Panic and other unsettling emotions soon follow because I realize that his actions and how I’m feeling are a bit too familiar. I’m trying to think positive but deep down I know that he wants to call it quits.  He will look deep into my eyes and tell me “its not going to work”, “we shouldn’t see each other anymore” or the magic words, “It’s me, not you”. So after a few days of making my observations, I’ve now confirmed the moment is approaching and it’s right around the corner. There is a pang in my heart because here comes the disappointment I’ve been so desperately trying to avoid. In my head, I begin to quickly run through all the scenarios and all the things that I could have done wrong. And the anxiety only intensifies.

I get a text from him, “can I come over” and of course I say sure.   It’s a typical weekend, but instead of getting ready to go out on a date.  I’m distracting myself by trying to look cute so that he has one last great mental picture of me. But no matter what I do or say to myself, I can’t prepare enough for the moment that is about to occur.  I open the door and lock eyes with him, hoping that he has changed his mind but the coldness that radiates from within him lets me  know that his plan is still on. He sits beside me in the awkward silence that feels like eternity and he glances over to me me and says exactly what I’ve been dreading, “we need to stop seeing each other” and it’s quickly followed by “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you”.  And I think to myself, but you’re doing it anyway.  So I simply reply, “OK” and let him ramble on and disclose his reasons for not wanting to continue a good thing.  (Obviously in his eyes, it’s not good thing!) After each of us takes a turn at our debate and get to explain each other’s side,  the unavoidable moment comes when he gets up and says good-bye.

This is a very familar scenario to say the least and after it’s done, I’m always left with questions and feel doubtful of my actions.  What is one supposed to do?  Should I have said or done something differently to change the outcome?  Should I have stopped him and persuaded him to stay?   Or better yet, ask if we can work it out?  Pretend what he said never happened, and kiss him passionately?  Should I have pleaded my case?   Tell him that he is wrong and he is making the biggest mistake of his life?  But I know, in the long run he is doing me a favor and this is how it has to end.   So instead I look away and hold back the tears and let the feeling of emptiness set in and let him walk out of my life for one last time.  Although most of the time I don’t agree with the good-bye, I close my eyes and led God lead me in the right path and give me strength to do it all over again.

3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

I haven’t had too much free time on my hands to blog. But hopefully in a month I’ll have a few days off where I can unwind and share my thoughts on what’s been going on. I haven’t been dating much but I still got some stories sitting on the back burner.

I just wanted to share this article, it’s short, sweet and to the point: (And most importantly I had time to read it!)
3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

1. Play the game – DON’T DO PLAY, just go with the flow. If it’s supposed to happen it will.

2. Never split the check – Now a days it’s a myth, offer to pay after a few initials dates. If you don’t want this to be a mans world, pay a little too!

3. You’ll find love when you least expect it – I’ve heard this a quadrillion times and I’m glad the article is on my side. I may find it when I least expect it but I’m going to have to put in some work. As my parents used to tell me, “si quieres pescar, mojate”. Translation, if you want to fish, get wet.

Thanks Self Magazine!!!

Until next time!

Therapy, Why Not?

Since the age of 21, I’ve had this bad habit of dating men who needed therapy after our relationship ended. I don’t really know what that says about me. Was our relationship so bad that I sent them straight to the doctor’s office? Or am I just so talented and lucky that I make these men see the light. It’s never been for my benefit but for the next gal; she has always received the fixed version.

Many moons ago, I was head over heels, first true love, thought he was the one, my best friend forever and my longest relationship of six years. We were young, naive, stupid and dumb but we made it work because we became friends first and everything else fell into place as we matured together. However, after a few years it was becoming apparent that he was developing big time issues. I could probably write entire blog just about that relationship but I’ll skip to the end and say it didn’t work out. He never proposed, I never got engaged and our relationship ended on bad terms. Although, the breakup devastated me, it was easier to move on because he didn’t live in the same state and as the old cliché says time heals everything. When I finally listened, he apologized and admitted all his faults. I decided to forgive him and remained distant friends with him. We still had a connection, it wasn’t easy to just throw away six years of friendship. Years later he told me that he had gone to therapy in order to understand why he was never satisfied by one woman and why he was so scared of commitment. He wanted to change and never put another woman through what he put me through. Today he is with the love of his life (whom I’ve met) and I couldn’t be any happier for him. His hard work paid off!!!

At another time of my life, I dated what I like to call the angry man. I didn’t know he had anger issues when I met him but it didn’t take long before he started expressing himself very clearly. He never disrespected me in any way and his anger was towards the world. I wasn’t with him for to long to figure out his baggage and what was causing him to behave this way. But I also had my radar up and smart enough to recognize that we would not work. I couldn’t be with someone whos anger overshadowed his other amazing qualities. I walked away and never looked back. I never kept in contact with him but after 3 years something made me reach out to him and make my peace with him. He accepted my invitation and during our meet and greet he disclosed how he screwed up his last relationship and how he was to blame. He admitted and recognized he had issues and decided to seek a professional. I never kept in contact with him after that rendezvous because I could still see that his tendencies to snap were at the surface. In his case, I think he needed more therapy.

The next man, takes the winning prize for being the most complex person I’ve ever encountered. Although I’ve never met anyone who suffered from bipolar disorder, I would say this ex was pretty close to it. He needed to be on medication because he definitely had some type of mental of issue. By far, the worst relationship of my life but at the same time the most self illuminating one. I’ll leave the horrid details out about what type of man he was or what he did or didn’t do. The relationship crumbled but not fast enough because it dragged on for a year. After some time I had very serious wake up calls that allowed me to slowly peel away. He was probably the first man where I recognized he needed to seek professional help because there was nothing I could do or say to help him. I used to beg him to get therapy and towards the end of our relationship he took my advice. Although he seemed to have gotten a little better he was no where near normal. Our relationship was way beyond damaged that nothing could save it, not even therapy. For a short period, I tried being his friend but sad to say, him and I could never be friends. I just couldn’t keep surrounding myself with negative energy that could easily affect me and bring out the worst in me. For his own sanity and happiness, I hope that he continues therapy.

Last but not least, a relationship that ended abruptly without a verbalized reason. I say verbalized because I know there was a reason but it wasn’t disclosed to me until months later after the breakup. Bottom line, he just couldn’t or didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. I can’t even begin to guess why noncommittal guy couldn’t be in a long term relationship. I’ve reached no concrete conclusions other than maybe “he’s just not that into you”. Although, I don’t know if he will ever get therapy he may be a good candidate for it. So in a few years, through the grapevine I may hear that he got married. And then I’ll get that wonderful text message from him that says, thanks…I went to therapy!

I’ve questioned myself if there is something about me that draws these men with really deep rooted issues or why I’ve accepted them in my life. With all my experiences, I’ve learned to identify the red flags from a mile a way. However, some have continued to try and mask it but eventually I’ve pin point it and run for the hills. At other times, I have fallen for the wrong one but managed to get myself right back up and do it all over again. I think therapy is a great tool for anyone even if you don’t have deep rooted issues. Sometimes speaking to an unbiased person who knows nothing about you can help tremendously. And in the end if you are not happy with who you are or what you are doing in life…then do something about it to change it. I’m an advocate for therapy. It’s changed my life and I’m happy that at least these men were proactive enough to seek help and that’s a plus in my book. So if you are second guessing yourself and debating whether you need therapy, follow your instincts and make an appointment at a therapist near you!!!

After The Storm

We all speak the same universal language of emotion. Whether it’s a short or long term relationship, when it ends we either feel like a huge rock has been lifted from our shoulders or deeply hurt because we didn’t anticipate it. Regardless of the reason, there is still a void in our hearts and a rollercoaster of emotions that takes place. There is no manual to advise us on how we move on or what to feel but what is a fact is that in time the heart does go on!!!

We

  • hurt
  • are broken hearted
  • feel guilt
  • regret
  • think it will never get better
  • are disappointed
  • question the relationship
  • are devastated
  • carry a heaviness in our hearts
  • feel like it’s unbearable pain
  • self doubt
  • cry
  • get angry
  • get sad
  • get drunk
  • drunk text
  • shut down
  • lie to ourselves to provide comfort
  • dwell
  • reminisce
  • listen to music
  • talk bad about the person
  • can’t stop talking about the person
  • write our feelings down
  • vent to our friends
  • become insecure
  • think we will never find love
  • replay the end over and over
  • think of ways to fix it
  • pretend to be robots
  • become heartless
  • sense of relief

Guess what?? In time,

  • our heavy hearts heal
  • we survive
  • we refocus
  • we are grateful
  • we smile
  • we regain happiness
  • we become stronger
  • we moved on

In the end we shed the armor suit that we are accustomed to wearing and open ourselves to love.

Welcome LOVE, and love deeply, passionately and most importantly genuinely.