Seasoned Bachelors

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who is about 42+ years old and you guessed it, she is also single.  She is accomplished, owns her company, intelligent and single mother of one.  She began sharing her stories about the men she’s met, dated, and those she has decided to stay in contact with.  These men are not young, they are of a mature age.  Because of her busy schedule, she has resorted to online dating and I would have to agree that for her it’s probably the best option.  She expressed how she has had no good luck, only disappointments but yet she isn’t ready to give up on finding love (sound familiar).  As I’m quietly listening, I’m thinking holy shit nothing changes as one gets older. I’m screwed!!!!

Here were her bachelors:

Bachelor #1 – the Starving Artist; lives a plane ride away.  He would be the perfect candidate except he doesn’t have a steady income and to see him would cost more than a nice pair of shoes.  When a man asks, will you support me?   You better run for the hills.  If it was me I would of never entertained him but when you have a connection with someone I guess your heart is leading more than the brain.

Bachelor #2 – the Disappearing Act;  Typical bad boy persona but camouflaged by his successful career, carefree mentality and a personality that meshes well with anyone.  The catch, it took him a few months to confess that he was still married and in the middle of a divorce.  He travels around the world without a care but yet dodges every chance to meet up with my friend.  However, he still reaches out to her for conversation (texts).  This type is the most intriguing but I know now in the long run this man would also not be a keeper.  But he’s temporarily entertaining her and that works for her.

Bachelor #3 – the Charmer; Speaks eloquently and seduces her with his words.   Has an art for painting a pretty picture that is very hard to not imagine oneself in it.  The charmer only says what he wants her to hear but won’t commit to anything including taking her out on a date.  His bait is to stay in communication even when she may not want to but who can ignore “good morning” text messages followed by “your beautiful” blah, blah, blah.  Been there and done that, I can spot a con artist from a mile a way.

Bachelor #4 – the Mr. Nice Guy;  I can’t speak for all women, but the ones I’ve encountered (including myself) claim that we can’t find a nice guy or that they are all taken or have fallen off the face of this planet.  Reality is a handful are still out there but the problem is that they are “not our type.”  Which typically means there is a lack of attraction and/or chemistry.  I don’t think a man can ever be too nice but yet I know many of us really wish to find the perfect balance between a nice and bad boy type .  (I highly doubt they exist).  Since he was the nice guy, he actually asked her out on date.   Towards the end of the date she said she felt no chemistry and that was the end of Mr. Nice Guy.  I’ve also have been in this exact situation and have felt the same way.  Hoping that he would grow on me by the end of the night, but I don’t dismiss him until I’m certain he is a wreck.  If I see potential even though I feel no chemistry, I will take a risk.

I’m really trying to believe that all the Mr. Wrongs and Mr. Not Right Nows will lead me to what suits me best.  One is still out there!

 

 

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‘Tis The Season

to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la….

I love the end of the year because I get to celebrate several holidays that are so close to each other; I get to spend quality time with my family, give/receive gifts (always nice), volunteer (although this year with my crazy schedule, I opted out).  But the best part is that I get some days off from work and get to eat whatever I want without feeling guilty.  All while gaining a couple of pounds and then I make excuses and blame it on the holiday season.  It’s a win win for everyone!

The holiday season is a time to spend it with loved ones but for me it’s also a great reminder that if it wasn’t for my immediate family it would just be me, myself, and I.   Now, don’t get me wrong I know I’m never going to be truly alone but it’s the feeling that I get during this time of a year.  I have a close circle of friends who I know I can count on if I ever needed them.  But as I get older the reality sets in a little deeper and that is that all my friends have their own families; boyfriends, fiancés, husbands and children that they will be spending time with.

I’m not here to throw myself a pity party that’s not my style because I have everything that I’ve worked so hard for and I’m thankful, appreciative for every single thing and friends that I have in my life.  I know there are people that have it a lot worst. They may not have an immediate family, have lost someone close to them, or may not even have a place to call home.  As my friend always tells me, “be happy that you aren’t shitting into a colostomy bag”.  And I truly am happy but I’m also human and I’m allowed to have emotions that resonate when the holiday season comes around.  And it’s not intentional but I do have constant cues all around me especially from the mouths of people that don’t know me and question my single status.

My normal tradition for Thanksgiving and Christmas is to go to my parent’s house for dinner with my brothers.  We don’t do anything fancy, just the five of us enjoying a home cooked meal and spending time together.  There was nothing out if the ordinary that occurred for Christmas but for Thanksgiving, that’s another story.  The day after Thanksgiving, I went back to my parent’s house for some left overs and to my surprise my parents had a guest (they never have company).

It was one of my dad’s long time friend who lives out of state, so I guess this was a special occasion.  The friend came with his 5 year old daughter but no wife.  If I had to guess I would say he is in his late forties and remarried twice (so he must be an expert in relationships) .  Since he was not paying attention to his daughter, I had the lovely task of entertaining and playing with her.  Out of no where the friend yells from across the room to get my attention.  And I hear one of many annoying questions I’m accustomed to getting.  But yet I’m always caught of guard and feel like I never have the answer that will shut them up.  Out of respect for my elders, the answers I really want to give, I always keep to myself.   Here it comes,  “are you dating? why aren’t you married by now? how old are you again?”  After I disclosed my age, he continued with his questions, one being “what are you doing wrong?”  I gave him a snarky remark that I’m not the problem and it’s the type of men that I meet.

He proceeded to have a conversation by himself as I was not really engaged and I was more excited to play with a five year old than participate in this f.a.q.  However, my parents were his audience so he continued.  After the questions, came the advice and the judgmental comments.  His job was to figure out why I was single and he was going to give me the answer I was so desperately searching for.   Ah ha, “you must be very picky” stated the friend.  And I responded respectfully that I should be picky and have standards because if I have my life together then the other person should also be at the same level as me.    His worldly advice came next.  I shouldn’t give up (who said I did),  I have to think positive (who said I’m not) and the best one was that I should try online dating (been there, done that) or perhaps go back to my country because I’m guaranteed to find someone there (great, marry for papers).  Normally, comments like this don’t phase me but this was all coming from someone who barely knew me.  The kicker is he met his second wife through an online dating site which I didn’t even care to ask what it was.

My parents must of been having the time of their life listening to this banter.  My parents have never questioned why I’m single or pressured me for marriage or grandchildren.  Surprisingly, my mother chimed in and said, “I think she’s the problem.”  At this point, I was annoyed and hurt but not by the friend but by my mother’s response.  How could she say that and worst yet that she actually thought that I’m to blame and at fault for being single.  Meanwhile she’s heard about all my heartbreaks and disappointments.  I was in shock, but I had to remain the three Cs…cool, calm, collected.  As I’m sitting there trying to ignore them and not letting their 50 questions get to me.  I wanted to yell, curse and defend myself but I decided I wasn’t going to.  I didn’t need to explain why I’m single or defend myself especially to my own family.  I’ve learned staying silent isn’t a sign a weakness, it’s just simply giving me a chance to not black out on people and demonstrating that I don’t need to fight with words.  I now rather listen, absorb, and analyze all the things I hear and if it’s worthwhile I’ll retain it.

But I must say it is frustrating when people don’t understand that I’m doing everything that I can to put myself out there and it’s just not happening for me.  It’s not my time right now and I’m okay with that.  Do people think I suddenly just woke up and don’t have a clue on what it’s like to be single, hmmm I wonder.  I love how people think they know what it’s like to be single when they haven’t gone out on a date in several years. I know the advise I get is only to be taken in a positive light and to motivate me.  However, at this stage in my life I’m pretty sure I’ve heard about 90% of the same advise.  I’m a learner by nature and I don’t mind constructive criticism.  I’ve actually reached out and asked about myself so that I don’t make the same mistakes.  So for now, I’m going to keep on trucking and ignore what everyone says haha.

Happy New Year everyone!

And the Cycle Continues…

Ahhhh to keep dating all over again, it’s a never ending saga!!! Some say it’s a blessing because it is fun and brings with it new opportunities to meet men. Partially that’s the truth but dating can also be very discouraging when it ends in unpredictable ways. Finally when I think I’ve mastered dating, I have to walk away, let it go, think positive and have to do it all over again.

The first meeting as I like to call them is the break it or make it phase. If I can get pass the first date and not want to run out of the place, then I know there is a slim chance I may see him again. The initial anxiety of meeting a complete stranger has now gone away. It’s sad but I rarely get nervous, but I still do get excited (depends on who it’s with ha). So after a couple of dates into it, I’ve decided that this person fits into my norm. Everything is moving a long, there are no signs that he’s psychotic and I’m actually liking the person that I’m getting to know. I’m even getting excited like a high school girl, daydreaming and thinking what the future may have in store for us.

A few months later have breezed on by, and out of no where, I get this strange feeling that something is wrong. My instincts kick in and in a dash I reach out to him inquiring if he is alright. The uncalming sensation in the pit of my stomach continues because of his response, “I’m fine”. Women usually say this, so when a man says this its usually a trigger word that there is a problem but it’s not the right time for it to be disclosed. Panic and other unsettling emotions soon follow because I realize that his actions and how I’m feeling are a bit too familiar. I’m trying to think positive but deep down I know that he wants to call it quits.  He will look deep into my eyes and tell me “its not going to work”, “we shouldn’t see each other anymore” or the magic words, “It’s me, not you”. So after a few days of making my observations, I’ve now confirmed the moment is approaching and it’s right around the corner. There is a pang in my heart because here comes the disappointment I’ve been so desperately trying to avoid. In my head, I begin to quickly run through all the scenarios and all the things that I could have done wrong. And the anxiety only intensifies.

I get a text from him, “can I come over” and of course I say sure.   It’s a typical weekend, but instead of getting ready to go out on a date.  I’m distracting myself by trying to look cute so that he has one last great mental picture of me. But no matter what I do or say to myself, I can’t prepare enough for the moment that is about to occur.  I open the door and lock eyes with him, hoping that he has changed his mind but the coldness that radiates from within him lets me  know that his plan is still on. He sits beside me in the awkward silence that feels like eternity and he glances over to me me and says exactly what I’ve been dreading, “we need to stop seeing each other” and it’s quickly followed by “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you”.  And I think to myself, but you’re doing it anyway.  So I simply reply, “OK” and let him ramble on and disclose his reasons for not wanting to continue a good thing.  (Obviously in his eyes, it’s not good thing!) After each of us takes a turn at our debate and get to explain each other’s side,  the unavoidable moment comes when he gets up and says good-bye.

This is a very familar scenario to say the least and after it’s done, I’m always left with questions and feel doubtful of my actions.  What is one supposed to do?  Should I have said or done something differently to change the outcome?  Should I have stopped him and persuaded him to stay?   Or better yet, ask if we can work it out?  Pretend what he said never happened, and kiss him passionately?  Should I have pleaded my case?   Tell him that he is wrong and he is making the biggest mistake of his life?  But I know, in the long run he is doing me a favor and this is how it has to end.   So instead I look away and hold back the tears and let the feeling of emptiness set in and let him walk out of my life for one last time.  Although most of the time I don’t agree with the good-bye, I close my eyes and led God lead me in the right path and give me strength to do it all over again.

Addiction

A few weeks ago, I woke up at around 2:30 am and like a sleepwalker, except without the walking.  I pulled out my phone from under my pillow and began writing this poem.  I don’t know why I was compelled to write a poem and have it be about an old relationship.  I guess since I started to blog it’s brought out old memories that have impacted my life.  Hopefully you will be able to relate,  as I think everyone has had a chaotic relationship at one time or another!!!!

You were different than the rest
offered a heart of gold at best
succumbed to your genuine words
blinded by this thing we call love

It was too late I was hooked
to a love so raw that it hurt
consumed by a temporary high
but deteriorating from the inside

You were my worst addiction
blurry vision with no distinction
lost myself without no direction
instead of listening to my own intuition

Couldn’t remove the blinders
wrapped up in all your one liners
“I’ll change, sorry, never do it again”
the same old speech every single day

You were not my soul mate
began to leave scars of neglect
left a wicked mark on my chest
alone and with complete emptiness

At times I could of sworn I was bipolar
I would be up down up like a roller coaster
happy, sad, angry and even irate
brainwashed to believe I was to blame

You were good at the mental game
how could I not see you were lame
being Jekyll and Hyde was your forte
but all it did was give me more strength

Prayed and hoped you would change
for the man who wasn’t deranged
smiled and pretended that we were ok
but resentment grew and love faded away

My heart turned to a cold stone
blood in my veins a shameless blue
madness and hatred was all I knew
regretted the day I ever met you

Thanks to you I discovered to love me
to move on and be completely free
finally understood I deserved better
soul and heart healed, but forgotten – never

3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

I haven’t had too much free time on my hands to blog. But hopefully in a month I’ll have a few days off where I can unwind and share my thoughts on what’s been going on. I haven’t been dating much but I still got some stories sitting on the back burner.

I just wanted to share this article, it’s short, sweet and to the point: (And most importantly I had time to read it!)
3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

1. Play the game – DON’T DO PLAY, just go with the flow. If it’s supposed to happen it will.

2. Never split the check – Now a days it’s a myth, offer to pay after a few initials dates. If you don’t want this to be a mans world, pay a little too!

3. You’ll find love when you least expect it – I’ve heard this a quadrillion times and I’m glad the article is on my side. I may find it when I least expect it but I’m going to have to put in some work. As my parents used to tell me, “si quieres pescar, mojate”. Translation, if you want to fish, get wet.

Thanks Self Magazine!!!

Until next time!

Therapy, Why Not?

Since the age of 21, I’ve had this bad habit of dating men who needed therapy after our relationship ended. I don’t really know what that says about me. Was our relationship so bad that I sent them straight to the doctor’s office? Or am I just so talented and lucky that I make these men see the light. It’s never been for my benefit but for the next gal; she has always received the fixed version.

Many moons ago, I was head over heels, first true love, thought he was the one, my best friend forever and my longest relationship of six years. We were young, naive, stupid and dumb but we made it work because we became friends first and everything else fell into place as we matured together. However, after a few years it was becoming apparent that he was developing big time issues. I could probably write entire blog just about that relationship but I’ll skip to the end and say it didn’t work out. He never proposed, I never got engaged and our relationship ended on bad terms. Although, the breakup devastated me, it was easier to move on because he didn’t live in the same state and as the old cliché says time heals everything. When I finally listened, he apologized and admitted all his faults. I decided to forgive him and remained distant friends with him. We still had a connection, it wasn’t easy to just throw away six years of friendship. Years later he told me that he had gone to therapy in order to understand why he was never satisfied by one woman and why he was so scared of commitment. He wanted to change and never put another woman through what he put me through. Today he is with the love of his life (whom I’ve met) and I couldn’t be any happier for him. His hard work paid off!!!

At another time of my life, I dated what I like to call the angry man. I didn’t know he had anger issues when I met him but it didn’t take long before he started expressing himself very clearly. He never disrespected me in any way and his anger was towards the world. I wasn’t with him for to long to figure out his baggage and what was causing him to behave this way. But I also had my radar up and smart enough to recognize that we would not work. I couldn’t be with someone whos anger overshadowed his other amazing qualities. I walked away and never looked back. I never kept in contact with him but after 3 years something made me reach out to him and make my peace with him. He accepted my invitation and during our meet and greet he disclosed how he screwed up his last relationship and how he was to blame. He admitted and recognized he had issues and decided to seek a professional. I never kept in contact with him after that rendezvous because I could still see that his tendencies to snap were at the surface. In his case, I think he needed more therapy.

The next man, takes the winning prize for being the most complex person I’ve ever encountered. Although I’ve never met anyone who suffered from bipolar disorder, I would say this ex was pretty close to it. He needed to be on medication because he definitely had some type of mental of issue. By far, the worst relationship of my life but at the same time the most self illuminating one. I’ll leave the horrid details out about what type of man he was or what he did or didn’t do. The relationship crumbled but not fast enough because it dragged on for a year. After some time I had very serious wake up calls that allowed me to slowly peel away. He was probably the first man where I recognized he needed to seek professional help because there was nothing I could do or say to help him. I used to beg him to get therapy and towards the end of our relationship he took my advice. Although he seemed to have gotten a little better he was no where near normal. Our relationship was way beyond damaged that nothing could save it, not even therapy. For a short period, I tried being his friend but sad to say, him and I could never be friends. I just couldn’t keep surrounding myself with negative energy that could easily affect me and bring out the worst in me. For his own sanity and happiness, I hope that he continues therapy.

Last but not least, a relationship that ended abruptly without a verbalized reason. I say verbalized because I know there was a reason but it wasn’t disclosed to me until months later after the breakup. Bottom line, he just couldn’t or didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. I can’t even begin to guess why noncommittal guy couldn’t be in a long term relationship. I’ve reached no concrete conclusions other than maybe “he’s just not that into you”. Although, I don’t know if he will ever get therapy he may be a good candidate for it. So in a few years, through the grapevine I may hear that he got married. And then I’ll get that wonderful text message from him that says, thanks…I went to therapy!

I’ve questioned myself if there is something about me that draws these men with really deep rooted issues or why I’ve accepted them in my life. With all my experiences, I’ve learned to identify the red flags from a mile a way. However, some have continued to try and mask it but eventually I’ve pin point it and run for the hills. At other times, I have fallen for the wrong one but managed to get myself right back up and do it all over again. I think therapy is a great tool for anyone even if you don’t have deep rooted issues. Sometimes speaking to an unbiased person who knows nothing about you can help tremendously. And in the end if you are not happy with who you are or what you are doing in life…then do something about it to change it. I’m an advocate for therapy. It’s changed my life and I’m happy that at least these men were proactive enough to seek help and that’s a plus in my book. So if you are second guessing yourself and debating whether you need therapy, follow your instincts and make an appointment at a therapist near you!!!

Maybe I Was Delusional

A few years ago, I had given myself a peculiar goal and that was to be in a relationship.  I was already going on 3 years of being single and conversing with my dog was getting a little ridiculous.  I was trying to change my thinking process and be more positive.  I was finally ready to be in healthy relationship.  I knew that in a matter of time and by some mystical force my stallion would come stumbling into my life.   The year was flying by and I had not scored a damn thing.  I was dateless, bored and horny, but I wasn’t ready to give up.  I still had hope even though I was not being proactive and putting myself out there.  My life continued as it always did with work, gym, dog, family and friends…repeat.

The most exciting part of my monotonous life was when an old acquaintance that I had not seen or kept in contact in over 10 years suddenly resurfaced via a social media network. Like the rest of America, there were no other means of old school communication other than email. He had reached out once and simply invited me to a birthday party.  I declined but with it I sent my phone number.   I was intrigued by his random email and was silently chanting “date, drink, date, drink!!!!”  One random night I was out with a friend of mine at a local bar, without a care in the world we continued yapping and of course sipping on some cocktails.  The alcohol had now marinated and I was starting to feel it’s effects when I realized no one was buying us drinks, what a crock!  Suddenly, this old acquaintance popped into my head.  I don’t know if it was my drunk boldness that kicked into high gear or if I just wanted a free drink.  Regardless, I had not planned my next move and I just hit send on my phone. The text message  read, “hey what are you doing, if you aren’t busy come meet up with us”.  Later that night, he made his appearance.  There was no awkwardness, it was as if I had lunch with him a week ago.  After getting home at around 3 a.m., I remembered thinking I had so much fun with practically a stranger.  Although, there were no obvious signs that he was into me I  had a gut feeling that he would ask me out on a date.   A few days later, we went on our first date.  Finally my spell was broken.  Yesssss!!!!

One of my dating rituals is to never allow a man to pick me up at my place of residence, I always drive myself to the designated meeting location.  Oddly enough when he asked for my address I did not hesitate and provided it.  I was already being opened without really acknowledging it.  Initially, I had no reservations about him nor did I ask any questions about the date in order to avoid disappointment.  When we arrived at the restaurant, I knew this was no Outback Steak House with free refills kind of date. This was the real deal, anything but ordinary.  Conversation was flowing as if I had known him my entire life.  We discussed topics that would be off the wall to share on a first date but neither of us cared.  We were both smitten and had an instant connection.  I had never expected the night to go as well as it did.  I was the least to say pleasantly surprised, impressed and excited to see what was next.  The months to follow were consistent, his actions matched what he was declaring were his feelings.  We continued to have dates galore!

All seemed perfect which is why I internally started to question his intentions, was he really who he said he was?  I began to also question my feelings and began to feel like he was not being genuine as if there was something he didn’t want to disclose.  It made me weary and doubted if I wanted to be in a relationship with this man.  And so I asked myself, “I’ve waited all this time so why am I not jumping on the opportunity to alas have what I’ve been yearning for…my better half”.  I slapped myself out my analytical ways and decided to live a little and stop listening to my fears.  I put my big girl panties on and figured the worst that can happen is I get hurt, but in the meantime I was ready for us to be a happy powerful couple.  The relationship felt amazing, I felt as if I finally had found the male version of me.  We had so much in common and even our thinking process was alike.  I was proud to be his girlfriend and  I had nothing to hide about him or myself.  After so many years I felt like I was with someone who got me and adored me with all my flaws an all.   All the stereotypes of how a man is supposed to court a woman when you are initially dating were true.  If I had a checklist…I would be saying, check, check and check.

Sounded to good to be true…. and before I knew it the relationship was done, over, squashed, finito, no mas. Yes, I blinked and he decided to end it and wanted out.  First time in years, I did not see the breakup coming from any angle. I didn’t get a bad vibe or assumed the worst. I thought at least we would make it past half a year but boy was I wrong.  Although short lived, it had to be one of the best shortest relationships I’ve ever had.  Reality was that I barely knew him, I just knew what he pretended to be.  The same way he popped up into my life is the exact same way he left.  I definitely got bamboozled and should of listened to my intuition. However, I don’t regret ever bumping into him. He had a purpose. I found the old me prior to being jaded by unsuccessful relationships.   I realized that its okay to want to be treated like a queen because I deserved it and there are plenty of men who will treat their woman as so.   The good times will always be treasured and the experience will never be forgotten.  I will eternally be grateful for everything that I learned.

Crossed Paths