Carwash-ed

It’s was a normal Saturday afternoon, I had just finished grocery shopping and decided last minute that I needed to get my car washed.  A task that I tend to overlook because whenever I do it, it never fails and the next day it always rains. (By the way, we just had freezing rain on Sunday!)  However, my car was beyond filthy so I decided to text my friend and ask him for a good recommendation.  I won’t mention his name, but he sure did send me to a good place.  It was so good that he forgot to mention that it was a hole in the wall car wash.  I pulled into this car garage,  I saw no hoses, or any other sort of car wash contraptions but I did see men holding small towels.  So that was my indication that I was in the right makeshift car wash.  Most people would have probably reversed their car and sped the hell out of there but I wasn’t spooked.

I approached one man, and asked “how much for the car wash?”.  He looked directly into my eyes and shook his head as if he was saying no and then pointed to his ear.  My first thought was that they didn’t do car washes even though the bootleg sign outside said so.  Alright, no big deal the man was deaf and they were an equal opportunity shop.  Out of nowhere, another man offered me this deluxe package which included detailing the inside of my car.  After he quoted me the price, I was super excited because it was dirt cheap and too good to pass up.  I had received a great groupon deal on the spot!!!  I quickly asked if they accepted credit cards because these types of hole in the wall places only take cash.  I knew I only had enough cash for the car wash but before I could walk out, another man popped up.  He said “come I’ll take you to the bank to get money.” (Apparently I was not thinking.)

Well what do you know, the Dora the Explorer in me, accepted the adventure and was on my way to being chauffeured around.  The bank was only three minutes away  and didn’t give us enough time to chit chat.  He asked my name, and stated that I looked like a good person and wouldn’t normally offer to do this with a stranger.  I responded, “you don’t look like a psycho, so I accepted.”   After getting my money, he asked if I had eaten or wanted an alcoholic beverage because he could take me to the the liquor store.  Wow really, I couldn’t believe I declined a Colt45.  Was this man really trying to get me drunk at 2:45 pm?

He insisted that I should eat because it would be another hour before I get my car back.  He pulled up to some restaurant and asked me to stay in the car because he needed to get the menu.  At this point, I texted my friend because I wanted to be sure I told someone where I was before I mysteriously disappeared (funny but not funny).  He gave me his recommendation and said that I should eat the salmon because all women are on diets and it’s the healthiest dish on the menu.  Although, I am, I ordered french fries, hot dog and a ginger ale.   While waiting for my food, that’s when the conversion took a complete turn to never ever land. It went something like this:

Weirdo – you are very pretty even under all those rags that you are wearing.  Yes, I wore a huge coat, scarf, sweats and Uggs.  Luckily (or not so lucky) I had blow dried my hair that morning
Me – thanks, yeah I wasn’t planning on going to a party

Weirdo – show me a picture of yourself because I know you dress up
Me – I didn’t hesitate and showed him some pictures from Instagram
Weirdo – shakes his head and says that he doesn’t see what he likes
Me – I don’t get it, I responded.  If you are looking for slutty pictures that’s not my style
Weirdo – with a giggle, he said I’m looking for butt cheeks
Me – I laughed but not with my your so funny type of laugh, but an oh shit this guy is nuts and how the hell am I going to escape

Weirdo – you have thick legs and went for the touch (he must of had x-ray vision to see through my baggy sweat pants)
Me – smacked his hand and said so I’ve been told
Weirdo – well that’s what I like
Me – in a stern voice I said you better relax yourself

Weirdo – can I take you out later, preferably after 12 am that’s when the night life starts
Me – NO, I have plans and I’m in bed by 10 (did he think I would jump up and down at this opportunity)

Weirdo – why don’t you have a boyfriend (I guess I gave that away a long time ago)
Me – I’m very picky (elaborated PICKY) and anyway I have no job and I’m broke
Weirdo – Muted.  I could see that he was thinking that I was one of those girls that would take his money
Me – (Yes, my plan worked and ofcourse I have a job and I’m not broke)

There was more to what this buffoon had said but I’ll fast forward to the end of the longest ten minutes of my life.  He finally left to get my food.  He handed it to me in silence and turned the volume of the music extremely loud as if I was invisible.  It was an awkward moment to say the least, but then it dawned on me that he was upset.  But not because I declined his shenanigans but rather because I was broke without a job.  Hahaha I killed his mojo.  There was no exchange in words, he pulled up to the car wash and I just followed behind him.   I was relieved that I was finally out of the creeper zone.  An hour later, I paid for the services and got out of there as fast as I could.

Ohhh did I mention this entire dialogue was in Spanish.  The man did not speak a cent of English.  I learned some valuable lessons here; never do my hair and wear sweat pants because it will attract more losers, baggy sweat pants are sexy, don’t take car rides to the bank, always bring extra cash and lastly, learn to say “me no espeakee Spanish”.

Advertisements

Addiction

A few weeks ago, I woke up at around 2:30 am and like a sleepwalker, except without the walking.  I pulled out my phone from under my pillow and began writing this poem.  I don’t know why I was compelled to write a poem and have it be about an old relationship.  I guess since I started to blog it’s brought out old memories that have impacted my life.  Hopefully you will be able to relate,  as I think everyone has had a chaotic relationship at one time or another!!!!

You were different than the rest
offered a heart of gold at best
succumbed to your genuine words
blinded by this thing we call love

It was too late I was hooked
to a love so raw that it hurt
consumed by a temporary high
but deteriorating from the inside

You were my worst addiction
blurry vision with no distinction
lost myself without no direction
instead of listening to my own intuition

Couldn’t remove the blinders
wrapped up in all your one liners
“I’ll change, sorry, never do it again”
the same old speech every single day

You were not my soul mate
began to leave scars of neglect
left a wicked mark on my chest
alone and with complete emptiness

At times I could of sworn I was bipolar
I would be up down up like a roller coaster
happy, sad, angry and even irate
brainwashed to believe I was to blame

You were good at the mental game
how could I not see you were lame
being Jekyll and Hyde was your forte
but all it did was give me more strength

Prayed and hoped you would change
for the man who wasn’t deranged
smiled and pretended that we were ok
but resentment grew and love faded away

My heart turned to a cold stone
blood in my veins a shameless blue
madness and hatred was all I knew
regretted the day I ever met you

Thanks to you I discovered to love me
to move on and be completely free
finally understood I deserved better
soul and heart healed, but forgotten – never

Third Time Is A Bust

imagesCABA4WAZ

I’m baffled by why some men will do all the “right” things to get a woman to go out on a date and yet they don’t see a serious relationship anywhere in their near future.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one date will determine or lead to a serious relationship.  But why invest time in calling/texting, showing genuine interest, effort and money if the objective is to date only for fun and not have a serious goal in mind.  In the beginning dating should be fun for both parties, but I’m past that stage.   I’m not dating to have a good old time and I date so that eventually I meet someone I’m compatible with and could put and end to this vicious dating cycle.  In my experience some men that I’ve encountered, yes they do only want to score, others were juggling women and couldn’t decide what to do, had an ex lingering around that they weren’t ready to walk away from, had commitment issues and others were in the miscellaneous category because I don’t know what the hell was wrong with them.  I also choose to believe that not all men will go to the extremes just to get laid but maybe I’m wrong.  So I ask why are there so many men out there who don’t want relationships but just want to date the entire country?

Which brings me to mention this man that I met a month ago and went out on two dates.  The first date was normal everything seemed to be going according to plan, there were no blatant red flags, he was easy on the eyes and very respectful.  Throughout the entire night he acted a bit aloof and I concluded that he was not interested in pursuing me any further.  I can normally read men pretty easily because they tend to be verbally or physically able to show that they are interested.  But I couldn’t make heads or tails with this one.  So we hugged and said our good byes.  But to my surprise,  on the ride back home, I received texts that clearly said he had a great time, complimented me and shared his thoughts on how the date went and asked to see me again.  I was in shock that we both had mutual intentions.

Leading up to the second date, I started to pick up on some things, as I like to call them shady behaviors (that will be on another blog).  By nature I’m an analyzer and I pick up on small things but it’s my instinct and intuition that always drives it home for me.  Bottom line, his actions were not in sync with his spit game.  The second date rolls around after two weeks and now we are a bit more comfortable with each other.  I was excited and not thinking of any of the previous minor red flags.  I wanted to have fun and hoped that it would lead to date #3.  Once again date was on point;  laughter, chemistry and flow of conversation were all there.  Until I started to get distracted by his phone going off, him texting and stated that his friend was trying to reach him because he wanted to meet up with us.  Mmmmm, whattttt…why would you ask your friend to meet up with us after dinner, I started to smell a hint of B.S.  I didn’t verbally say what I was thinking as I’m sure he would dropped my ass home.   By this point I no longer had a buzz and I was starting to see the clear picture, “he’s not that into you”.   It was as if he was physically there but not really present.  We finished dinner and later headed to a bar for some additional drinks.   I was confused because I thought the date was over but I went along with it, I’m not a party pooper.  After an hour of being at the bar,  he bluntly said “I’m done with my drink”.  As if that was my signal to hurry up and finish my drink because he was ready to leave. I thought that was a bit rude but I took his lead and we left.  He pulled up to my place and I was annoyed and ready to make snarky remarks.   Yet before I could give him a piece of my mind, he began to say how he wanted to take me out again and how he had a great time blah blah blah.   I quickly replied, “so I’ll see you in  another two weeks” and he just giggled and disagreed.   I was tired and didn’t want to engage in small chat so I asked him to walk me in.  He stuttered and said to the door or to the front gate…..this is when I knew I didn’t pick the brightest bulb out of the bunch.

I didn’t hear from him for the next few days.  My gut feeling was telling me that he wasn’t focused because there was another female in the picture.  Again, it’s okay to do that but for the love of dating learn to juggle and be discreet about it.  Did he really think I was that dumb to think I wouldn’t catch on to his shenanigans?  Needless to say, I caught him in a lie that I did not overlook.   He did eventually reach out to me and I just responded with, “do you think I’m dumb”? Yes, I acknowledge that was a bit random and crazy but it was the truth.  I wanted to be sure that he understood I was not willing to play the same game.   And what do you know,  I haven’t heard from him ever since that last text.  Third time is not always a charm, in my case it was a bust!!!!  Through these experiences, I feel that some men may think because they are good at wining and dining that I will be naïve to everything else.  When the red flags are there, I will be on you like flies on shit and then walk away.  Please be up front and don’t wait to be told you are doing something wrong.  I’m no one to judge, I don’t see anything wrong with dating multiple people at the same time but don’t blatantly lie and get caught that’s just setting up the stage for a disaster.

Why Do I Do This Again?

As I mentioned in my about me, I’m limited in my options of how I meet men or maybe I just ran out of ideas.  Currently, I’m doing the online dating thing (don’t ask me name of site) because if it was good I wouldn’t be single.  I have my days that when I log on, I think very positive and say to myself “today will be the day I meet someone normal”.   Then I patiently read profiles and scroll through dozens before my hand starts to go numb or my finger just gets stuck.  There have been few on occasions where I get excited because the “convo” seems to be flowing and they haven’t said anything offensive.  But I also have my bad days, where I don’t know why I’m logging on, when I know I’m only going to read emails that don’t grasp my attention or just profiles that don’t fit what I’m looking for.  I’ve compiled a list of things that are going through my mind on these off days:

  • did he just copy/paste this entire message
  • omg he looks like a killer
  • wow this one doesn’t give up
  • does he not know he sent me this message several times
  • why do all men say they are laid back, does that mean they are always sleeping
  • seriously they don’t know how to use their camera phone
  • why would you put up a picture of a picture that is scanned
  • I hope that’s his sister that he is hugging
  • Is that a wedding band on his finger
  • why does he have pictures from the 80’s
  • why is he not smiling, is he missing teeth
  • a little lower and I can see his pelvic bone
  • they state they work out but by their pictures looks like they don’t
  • default pic is younger looking version than all the rest
  • is there anyone left that doesn’t live in NYC
  • oh gawd please put your shirt back on, I get it you work out
  • if you travel all the time, do you even have a job
  • I’m sharpening up my memorizing skills

Jeepers Creepers

For some reason people who are in relationships all of a sudden seem to be experts on being single. I get advice like, “take your time your still young”…compared to a 50 yr old I might be. “Your too picky”…If I have it together so should he. “Your always finding something wrong before you even meet them”…usually I’m right, they’re weirdos. “In time it will come”…I’ve been waiting for 34 years. “Fast never last, slow always goes”…any slower I’ll turn into a turtle. And my ultimate favorite advice, “relationships are overrated”…really because last I heard that’s what leads to marriage.

I get it relationships can be complicated and it’s not always easy sailing. However, I’m not winning any type of prize by staying single. Both relationship statuses have their pros and cons. I personally would like, “sex on the reg”…and would exchange it any day for my singlehood. Dating is fun and exciting but it can also be depressing, annoying, lonely, boring and to top it off I get the luxury of meeting weirdos. And to prove it, here are the best creeper lines of 2014. I still have the rest of the year so stay tuned as I’m sure this list will get longer!!!

  • Send me some pics. I’m undecided about you
  • Under 5 ft is such a turn on for me. Good job
  • You are so adorable, I want to adopt you
  • I’m living in this area because of my parole. I have to live in a half way house because of illegal gun possession
  • It’s hard for a man, I don’t know what they can say to stand out and grasp our attention
  • I’m not a photographer but I can picture you and me together
  • Your sooooper cute. I want to cuddle you
  • Your crazy
  • I once kissed a girl and she said she got wet, damn
  • I don’t date
  • I don’t get dressed up on dates, if you want to do that go out with your girls
  • I don’t do dates, I only take a girlfriend out
  • I should confess, I have 3 kids
  • Your very pretty, but I’ve dated prettier
  • Oh that’s not my real name, I made it up
  • Do you watch porn
  • I’ve been single for like 10 years
  • You’re racist
  • Have you had a three some
  • What color are you everywhere
  • What’s your favorite toy
  • How about we go 50/50
  • You missed out, I could of taken you to Outback Steakhouse
  • My cats would love you
  • *Today I wished someone new and interesting, could we exchange numbers
  • *Physically. ..smelling nice hair, full lips, soft skin, firm breast, an ass to grab onto, not small not big either, smooth vag and yes a nice smelling vag that gets soaked and wet and doesn’t look like roast beef.
  • Read some others from Friday Night Adventure

*These have been shared from friends of mine, who also encounter winners!

Updated 5/12/14

Friday Night Adventure!

No holds barred, this man broke all “date rules” in a matter of a few hours!!!  Another fabulous date night, where I’ve never met the man but yet some how I still find the strength to get all dolled up and think “this may be the winner”.   This date was a bit different because although I never met this man, my friend knew who he was and she forewarned me that he was an a**hole.  My initial reaction was to cancel the date, but I figured I give it a shot and not be judgmental. 

I don’t know what it is about these men now a days but are they just lazy or do they not care about impressing a lady on first date?  I always get the statement, “you pick where you want to go” and right away that’s a turn off for me but I still give them the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best.  I decided to pick another bar/restaurant with music because I didn’t know if we were just having drinks or dinner.  So I wanted to be sure I had them both covered.  As I get to the restaurant, I tell him “I’m here in the parking lot and I’ll wait for you”.  His response, “Oh, I’m already in the front”.  I was already annoyed by his tardiness and now lack of ability to be a gentleman.  I brushed it all off and started walking towards him.  Very tall, dark handsome, full head of hair and a beard.  Typically, I’m not into all the facial hair but it suited him well and I was pleased.  Ambiance was fun and we sat at the corner of the bar where we were still able to hear each other.  He asked what I wanted to drink and ordered a pitcher of sangria.  Sounds ridiculous but this was the moment I knew, I would never see this man again.  The way he spoke and his mannerism towards the two waitresses was very intimidating.  It didn’t affect me but I watched and analyzed how the waitresses reacted and behaved around him.  I didn’t like it one bit.   

As the night went on, it got progressively worse but I stuck around because I’m a glutton for punishment or because I want to have a good ending to the story I write about.  I’m also not one of those people where I will bail as long as I don’t feel uncomfortable and not being disrespected in any way, I tend to stay.   I have to reiterate that he was not drunk and is just a very blunt man who doesn’t think before he speaks, nor does he care what the other person thinks.  So drum roll please, here are all things that came out of this man’s mouth:

  • explained how I passed all his requirements and proceeded to list them
  • asked if I’m willing to pop out 2 to 3 kids
  • told me his penis size, although I don’t know why because it’s nothing to brag about
  • how he loves to date Asians (and by the way am not)
  • he is no longer friends with his best friend because he slept with one of the girls he used to date
  • asked me multiple times why I’m single
  • complimented my butt several times even though I was wearing a baggy long shirt that covered it
  • asked to touch my butt
  • asked me to make-out
  • how he likes to be physically and sexually attracted to his partner or else it will not work

Now, he wasn’t a complete idiot and was able to pay me compliments on my attire and told me several times how beautiful I was.  I must admit I was flattered and it was nice to hear because most men don’t do that either however he ruined it with everything else.  Three and half hours later the date was over, I asked him to walk me to my car or I highly doubt he would have. I gave him a hug and said thank you!!!.  It’s been 3 days later and although he has texted me, I think by now he knows there will not be a second date.  Stay tuned for the next one haha