Carwash-ed

It’s was a normal Saturday afternoon, I had just finished grocery shopping and decided last minute that I needed to get my car washed.  A task that I tend to overlook because whenever I do it, it never fails and the next day it always rains. (By the way, we just had freezing rain on Sunday!)  However, my car was beyond filthy so I decided to text my friend and ask him for a good recommendation.  I won’t mention his name, but he sure did send me to a good place.  It was so good that he forgot to mention that it was a hole in the wall car wash.  I pulled into this car garage,  I saw no hoses, or any other sort of car wash contraptions but I did see men holding small towels.  So that was my indication that I was in the right makeshift car wash.  Most people would have probably reversed their car and sped the hell out of there but I wasn’t spooked.

I approached one man, and asked “how much for the car wash?”.  He looked directly into my eyes and shook his head as if he was saying no and then pointed to his ear.  My first thought was that they didn’t do car washes even though the bootleg sign outside said so.  Alright, no big deal the man was deaf and they were an equal opportunity shop.  Out of nowhere, another man offered me this deluxe package which included detailing the inside of my car.  After he quoted me the price, I was super excited because it was dirt cheap and too good to pass up.  I had received a great groupon deal on the spot!!!  I quickly asked if they accepted credit cards because these types of hole in the wall places only take cash.  I knew I only had enough cash for the car wash but before I could walk out, another man popped up.  He said “come I’ll take you to the bank to get money.” (Apparently I was not thinking.)

Well what do you know, the Dora the Explorer in me, accepted the adventure and was on my way to being chauffeured around.  The bank was only three minutes away  and didn’t give us enough time to chit chat.  He asked my name, and stated that I looked like a good person and wouldn’t normally offer to do this with a stranger.  I responded, “you don’t look like a psycho, so I accepted.”   After getting my money, he asked if I had eaten or wanted an alcoholic beverage because he could take me to the the liquor store.  Wow really, I couldn’t believe I declined a Colt45.  Was this man really trying to get me drunk at 2:45 pm?

He insisted that I should eat because it would be another hour before I get my car back.  He pulled up to some restaurant and asked me to stay in the car because he needed to get the menu.  At this point, I texted my friend because I wanted to be sure I told someone where I was before I mysteriously disappeared (funny but not funny).  He gave me his recommendation and said that I should eat the salmon because all women are on diets and it’s the healthiest dish on the menu.  Although, I am, I ordered french fries, hot dog and a ginger ale.   While waiting for my food, that’s when the conversion took a complete turn to never ever land. It went something like this:

Weirdo – you are very pretty even under all those rags that you are wearing.  Yes, I wore a huge coat, scarf, sweats and Uggs.  Luckily (or not so lucky) I had blow dried my hair that morning
Me – thanks, yeah I wasn’t planning on going to a party

Weirdo – show me a picture of yourself because I know you dress up
Me – I didn’t hesitate and showed him some pictures from Instagram
Weirdo – shakes his head and says that he doesn’t see what he likes
Me – I don’t get it, I responded.  If you are looking for slutty pictures that’s not my style
Weirdo – with a giggle, he said I’m looking for butt cheeks
Me – I laughed but not with my your so funny type of laugh, but an oh shit this guy is nuts and how the hell am I going to escape

Weirdo – you have thick legs and went for the touch (he must of had x-ray vision to see through my baggy sweat pants)
Me – smacked his hand and said so I’ve been told
Weirdo – well that’s what I like
Me – in a stern voice I said you better relax yourself

Weirdo – can I take you out later, preferably after 12 am that’s when the night life starts
Me – NO, I have plans and I’m in bed by 10 (did he think I would jump up and down at this opportunity)

Weirdo – why don’t you have a boyfriend (I guess I gave that away a long time ago)
Me – I’m very picky (elaborated PICKY) and anyway I have no job and I’m broke
Weirdo – Muted.  I could see that he was thinking that I was one of those girls that would take his money
Me – (Yes, my plan worked and ofcourse I have a job and I’m not broke)

There was more to what this buffoon had said but I’ll fast forward to the end of the longest ten minutes of my life.  He finally left to get my food.  He handed it to me in silence and turned the volume of the music extremely loud as if I was invisible.  It was an awkward moment to say the least, but then it dawned on me that he was upset.  But not because I declined his shenanigans but rather because I was broke without a job.  Hahaha I killed his mojo.  There was no exchange in words, he pulled up to the car wash and I just followed behind him.   I was relieved that I was finally out of the creeper zone.  An hour later, I paid for the services and got out of there as fast as I could.

Ohhh did I mention this entire dialogue was in Spanish.  The man did not speak a cent of English.  I learned some valuable lessons here; never do my hair and wear sweat pants because it will attract more losers, baggy sweat pants are sexy, don’t take car rides to the bank, always bring extra cash and lastly, learn to say “me no espeakee Spanish”.

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Seasoned Bachelors

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who is about 42+ years old and you guessed it, she is also single.  She is accomplished, owns her company, intelligent and single mother of one.  She began sharing her stories about the men she’s met, dated, and those she has decided to stay in contact with.  These men are not young, they are of a mature age.  Because of her busy schedule, she has resorted to online dating and I would have to agree that for her it’s probably the best option.  She expressed how she has had no good luck, only disappointments but yet she isn’t ready to give up on finding love (sound familiar).  As I’m quietly listening, I’m thinking holy shit nothing changes as one gets older. I’m screwed!!!!

Here were her bachelors:

Bachelor #1 – the Starving Artist; lives a plane ride away.  He would be the perfect candidate except he doesn’t have a steady income and to see him would cost more than a nice pair of shoes.  When a man asks, will you support me?   You better run for the hills.  If it was me I would of never entertained him but when you have a connection with someone I guess your heart is leading more than the brain.

Bachelor #2 – the Disappearing Act;  Typical bad boy persona but camouflaged by his successful career, carefree mentality and a personality that meshes well with anyone.  The catch, it took him a few months to confess that he was still married and in the middle of a divorce.  He travels around the world without a care but yet dodges every chance to meet up with my friend.  However, he still reaches out to her for conversation (texts).  This type is the most intriguing but I know now in the long run this man would also not be a keeper.  But he’s temporarily entertaining her and that works for her.

Bachelor #3 – the Charmer; Speaks eloquently and seduces her with his words.   Has an art for painting a pretty picture that is very hard to not imagine oneself in it.  The charmer only says what he wants her to hear but won’t commit to anything including taking her out on a date.  His bait is to stay in communication even when she may not want to but who can ignore “good morning” text messages followed by “your beautiful” blah, blah, blah.  Been there and done that, I can spot a con artist from a mile a way.

Bachelor #4 – the Mr. Nice Guy;  I can’t speak for all women, but the ones I’ve encountered (including myself) claim that we can’t find a nice guy or that they are all taken or have fallen off the face of this planet.  Reality is a handful are still out there but the problem is that they are “not our type.”  Which typically means there is a lack of attraction and/or chemistry.  I don’t think a man can ever be too nice but yet I know many of us really wish to find the perfect balance between a nice and bad boy type .  (I highly doubt they exist).  Since he was the nice guy, he actually asked her out on date.   Towards the end of the date she said she felt no chemistry and that was the end of Mr. Nice Guy.  I’ve also have been in this exact situation and have felt the same way.  Hoping that he would grow on me by the end of the night, but I don’t dismiss him until I’m certain he is a wreck.  If I see potential even though I feel no chemistry, I will take a risk.

I’m really trying to believe that all the Mr. Wrongs and Mr. Not Right Nows will lead me to what suits me best.  One is still out there!

 

 

Addiction

A few weeks ago, I woke up at around 2:30 am and like a sleepwalker, except without the walking.  I pulled out my phone from under my pillow and began writing this poem.  I don’t know why I was compelled to write a poem and have it be about an old relationship.  I guess since I started to blog it’s brought out old memories that have impacted my life.  Hopefully you will be able to relate,  as I think everyone has had a chaotic relationship at one time or another!!!!

You were different than the rest
offered a heart of gold at best
succumbed to your genuine words
blinded by this thing we call love

It was too late I was hooked
to a love so raw that it hurt
consumed by a temporary high
but deteriorating from the inside

You were my worst addiction
blurry vision with no distinction
lost myself without no direction
instead of listening to my own intuition

Couldn’t remove the blinders
wrapped up in all your one liners
“I’ll change, sorry, never do it again”
the same old speech every single day

You were not my soul mate
began to leave scars of neglect
left a wicked mark on my chest
alone and with complete emptiness

At times I could of sworn I was bipolar
I would be up down up like a roller coaster
happy, sad, angry and even irate
brainwashed to believe I was to blame

You were good at the mental game
how could I not see you were lame
being Jekyll and Hyde was your forte
but all it did was give me more strength

Prayed and hoped you would change
for the man who wasn’t deranged
smiled and pretended that we were ok
but resentment grew and love faded away

My heart turned to a cold stone
blood in my veins a shameless blue
madness and hatred was all I knew
regretted the day I ever met you

Thanks to you I discovered to love me
to move on and be completely free
finally understood I deserved better
soul and heart healed, but forgotten – never

Third Time Is A Bust

imagesCABA4WAZ

I’m baffled by why some men will do all the “right” things to get a woman to go out on a date and yet they don’t see a serious relationship anywhere in their near future.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one date will determine or lead to a serious relationship.  But why invest time in calling/texting, showing genuine interest, effort and money if the objective is to date only for fun and not have a serious goal in mind.  In the beginning dating should be fun for both parties, but I’m past that stage.   I’m not dating to have a good old time and I date so that eventually I meet someone I’m compatible with and could put and end to this vicious dating cycle.  In my experience some men that I’ve encountered, yes they do only want to score, others were juggling women and couldn’t decide what to do, had an ex lingering around that they weren’t ready to walk away from, had commitment issues and others were in the miscellaneous category because I don’t know what the hell was wrong with them.  I also choose to believe that not all men will go to the extremes just to get laid but maybe I’m wrong.  So I ask why are there so many men out there who don’t want relationships but just want to date the entire country?

Which brings me to mention this man that I met a month ago and went out on two dates.  The first date was normal everything seemed to be going according to plan, there were no blatant red flags, he was easy on the eyes and very respectful.  Throughout the entire night he acted a bit aloof and I concluded that he was not interested in pursuing me any further.  I can normally read men pretty easily because they tend to be verbally or physically able to show that they are interested.  But I couldn’t make heads or tails with this one.  So we hugged and said our good byes.  But to my surprise,  on the ride back home, I received texts that clearly said he had a great time, complimented me and shared his thoughts on how the date went and asked to see me again.  I was in shock that we both had mutual intentions.

Leading up to the second date, I started to pick up on some things, as I like to call them shady behaviors (that will be on another blog).  By nature I’m an analyzer and I pick up on small things but it’s my instinct and intuition that always drives it home for me.  Bottom line, his actions were not in sync with his spit game.  The second date rolls around after two weeks and now we are a bit more comfortable with each other.  I was excited and not thinking of any of the previous minor red flags.  I wanted to have fun and hoped that it would lead to date #3.  Once again date was on point;  laughter, chemistry and flow of conversation were all there.  Until I started to get distracted by his phone going off, him texting and stated that his friend was trying to reach him because he wanted to meet up with us.  Mmmmm, whattttt…why would you ask your friend to meet up with us after dinner, I started to smell a hint of B.S.  I didn’t verbally say what I was thinking as I’m sure he would dropped my ass home.   By this point I no longer had a buzz and I was starting to see the clear picture, “he’s not that into you”.   It was as if he was physically there but not really present.  We finished dinner and later headed to a bar for some additional drinks.   I was confused because I thought the date was over but I went along with it, I’m not a party pooper.  After an hour of being at the bar,  he bluntly said “I’m done with my drink”.  As if that was my signal to hurry up and finish my drink because he was ready to leave. I thought that was a bit rude but I took his lead and we left.  He pulled up to my place and I was annoyed and ready to make snarky remarks.   Yet before I could give him a piece of my mind, he began to say how he wanted to take me out again and how he had a great time blah blah blah.   I quickly replied, “so I’ll see you in  another two weeks” and he just giggled and disagreed.   I was tired and didn’t want to engage in small chat so I asked him to walk me in.  He stuttered and said to the door or to the front gate…..this is when I knew I didn’t pick the brightest bulb out of the bunch.

I didn’t hear from him for the next few days.  My gut feeling was telling me that he wasn’t focused because there was another female in the picture.  Again, it’s okay to do that but for the love of dating learn to juggle and be discreet about it.  Did he really think I was that dumb to think I wouldn’t catch on to his shenanigans?  Needless to say, I caught him in a lie that I did not overlook.   He did eventually reach out to me and I just responded with, “do you think I’m dumb”? Yes, I acknowledge that was a bit random and crazy but it was the truth.  I wanted to be sure that he understood I was not willing to play the same game.   And what do you know,  I haven’t heard from him ever since that last text.  Third time is not always a charm, in my case it was a bust!!!!  Through these experiences, I feel that some men may think because they are good at wining and dining that I will be naïve to everything else.  When the red flags are there, I will be on you like flies on shit and then walk away.  Please be up front and don’t wait to be told you are doing something wrong.  I’m no one to judge, I don’t see anything wrong with dating multiple people at the same time but don’t blatantly lie and get caught that’s just setting up the stage for a disaster.

Maybe I Was Delusional

A few years ago, I had given myself a peculiar goal and that was to be in a relationship.  I was already going on 3 years of being single and conversing with my dog was getting a little ridiculous.  I was trying to change my thinking process and be more positive.  I was finally ready to be in healthy relationship.  I knew that in a matter of time and by some mystical force my stallion would come stumbling into my life.   The year was flying by and I had not scored a damn thing.  I was dateless, bored and horny, but I wasn’t ready to give up.  I still had hope even though I was not being proactive and putting myself out there.  My life continued as it always did with work, gym, dog, family and friends…repeat.

The most exciting part of my monotonous life was when an old acquaintance that I had not seen or kept in contact in over 10 years suddenly resurfaced via a social media network. Like the rest of America, there were no other means of old school communication other than email. He had reached out once and simply invited me to a birthday party.  I declined but with it I sent my phone number.   I was intrigued by his random email and was silently chanting “date, drink, date, drink!!!!”  One random night I was out with a friend of mine at a local bar, without a care in the world we continued yapping and of course sipping on some cocktails.  The alcohol had now marinated and I was starting to feel it’s effects when I realized no one was buying us drinks, what a crock!  Suddenly, this old acquaintance popped into my head.  I don’t know if it was my drunk boldness that kicked into high gear or if I just wanted a free drink.  Regardless, I had not planned my next move and I just hit send on my phone. The text message  read, “hey what are you doing, if you aren’t busy come meet up with us”.  Later that night, he made his appearance.  There was no awkwardness, it was as if I had lunch with him a week ago.  After getting home at around 3 a.m., I remembered thinking I had so much fun with practically a stranger.  Although, there were no obvious signs that he was into me I  had a gut feeling that he would ask me out on a date.   A few days later, we went on our first date.  Finally my spell was broken.  Yesssss!!!!

One of my dating rituals is to never allow a man to pick me up at my place of residence, I always drive myself to the designated meeting location.  Oddly enough when he asked for my address I did not hesitate and provided it.  I was already being opened without really acknowledging it.  Initially, I had no reservations about him nor did I ask any questions about the date in order to avoid disappointment.  When we arrived at the restaurant, I knew this was no Outback Steak House with free refills kind of date. This was the real deal, anything but ordinary.  Conversation was flowing as if I had known him my entire life.  We discussed topics that would be off the wall to share on a first date but neither of us cared.  We were both smitten and had an instant connection.  I had never expected the night to go as well as it did.  I was the least to say pleasantly surprised, impressed and excited to see what was next.  The months to follow were consistent, his actions matched what he was declaring were his feelings.  We continued to have dates galore!

All seemed perfect which is why I internally started to question his intentions, was he really who he said he was?  I began to also question my feelings and began to feel like he was not being genuine as if there was something he didn’t want to disclose.  It made me weary and doubted if I wanted to be in a relationship with this man.  And so I asked myself, “I’ve waited all this time so why am I not jumping on the opportunity to alas have what I’ve been yearning for…my better half”.  I slapped myself out my analytical ways and decided to live a little and stop listening to my fears.  I put my big girl panties on and figured the worst that can happen is I get hurt, but in the meantime I was ready for us to be a happy powerful couple.  The relationship felt amazing, I felt as if I finally had found the male version of me.  We had so much in common and even our thinking process was alike.  I was proud to be his girlfriend and  I had nothing to hide about him or myself.  After so many years I felt like I was with someone who got me and adored me with all my flaws an all.   All the stereotypes of how a man is supposed to court a woman when you are initially dating were true.  If I had a checklist…I would be saying, check, check and check.

Sounded to good to be true…. and before I knew it the relationship was done, over, squashed, finito, no mas. Yes, I blinked and he decided to end it and wanted out.  First time in years, I did not see the breakup coming from any angle. I didn’t get a bad vibe or assumed the worst. I thought at least we would make it past half a year but boy was I wrong.  Although short lived, it had to be one of the best shortest relationships I’ve ever had.  Reality was that I barely knew him, I just knew what he pretended to be.  The same way he popped up into my life is the exact same way he left.  I definitely got bamboozled and should of listened to my intuition. However, I don’t regret ever bumping into him. He had a purpose. I found the old me prior to being jaded by unsuccessful relationships.   I realized that its okay to want to be treated like a queen because I deserved it and there are plenty of men who will treat their woman as so.   The good times will always be treasured and the experience will never be forgotten.  I will eternally be grateful for everything that I learned.

Crossed Paths

Jeepers Creepers

For some reason people who are in relationships all of a sudden seem to be experts on being single. I get advice like, “take your time your still young”…compared to a 50 yr old I might be. “Your too picky”…If I have it together so should he. “Your always finding something wrong before you even meet them”…usually I’m right, they’re weirdos. “In time it will come”…I’ve been waiting for 34 years. “Fast never last, slow always goes”…any slower I’ll turn into a turtle. And my ultimate favorite advice, “relationships are overrated”…really because last I heard that’s what leads to marriage.

I get it relationships can be complicated and it’s not always easy sailing. However, I’m not winning any type of prize by staying single. Both relationship statuses have their pros and cons. I personally would like, “sex on the reg”…and would exchange it any day for my singlehood. Dating is fun and exciting but it can also be depressing, annoying, lonely, boring and to top it off I get the luxury of meeting weirdos. And to prove it, here are the best creeper lines of 2014. I still have the rest of the year so stay tuned as I’m sure this list will get longer!!!

  • Send me some pics. I’m undecided about you
  • Under 5 ft is such a turn on for me. Good job
  • You are so adorable, I want to adopt you
  • I’m living in this area because of my parole. I have to live in a half way house because of illegal gun possession
  • It’s hard for a man, I don’t know what they can say to stand out and grasp our attention
  • I’m not a photographer but I can picture you and me together
  • Your sooooper cute. I want to cuddle you
  • Your crazy
  • I once kissed a girl and she said she got wet, damn
  • I don’t date
  • I don’t get dressed up on dates, if you want to do that go out with your girls
  • I don’t do dates, I only take a girlfriend out
  • I should confess, I have 3 kids
  • Your very pretty, but I’ve dated prettier
  • Oh that’s not my real name, I made it up
  • Do you watch porn
  • I’ve been single for like 10 years
  • You’re racist
  • Have you had a three some
  • What color are you everywhere
  • What’s your favorite toy
  • How about we go 50/50
  • You missed out, I could of taken you to Outback Steakhouse
  • My cats would love you
  • *Today I wished someone new and interesting, could we exchange numbers
  • *Physically. ..smelling nice hair, full lips, soft skin, firm breast, an ass to grab onto, not small not big either, smooth vag and yes a nice smelling vag that gets soaked and wet and doesn’t look like roast beef.
  • Read some others from Friday Night Adventure

*These have been shared from friends of mine, who also encounter winners!

Updated 5/12/14

Friday Night Adventure!

No holds barred, this man broke all “date rules” in a matter of a few hours!!!  Another fabulous date night, where I’ve never met the man but yet some how I still find the strength to get all dolled up and think “this may be the winner”.   This date was a bit different because although I never met this man, my friend knew who he was and she forewarned me that he was an a**hole.  My initial reaction was to cancel the date, but I figured I give it a shot and not be judgmental. 

I don’t know what it is about these men now a days but are they just lazy or do they not care about impressing a lady on first date?  I always get the statement, “you pick where you want to go” and right away that’s a turn off for me but I still give them the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best.  I decided to pick another bar/restaurant with music because I didn’t know if we were just having drinks or dinner.  So I wanted to be sure I had them both covered.  As I get to the restaurant, I tell him “I’m here in the parking lot and I’ll wait for you”.  His response, “Oh, I’m already in the front”.  I was already annoyed by his tardiness and now lack of ability to be a gentleman.  I brushed it all off and started walking towards him.  Very tall, dark handsome, full head of hair and a beard.  Typically, I’m not into all the facial hair but it suited him well and I was pleased.  Ambiance was fun and we sat at the corner of the bar where we were still able to hear each other.  He asked what I wanted to drink and ordered a pitcher of sangria.  Sounds ridiculous but this was the moment I knew, I would never see this man again.  The way he spoke and his mannerism towards the two waitresses was very intimidating.  It didn’t affect me but I watched and analyzed how the waitresses reacted and behaved around him.  I didn’t like it one bit.   

As the night went on, it got progressively worse but I stuck around because I’m a glutton for punishment or because I want to have a good ending to the story I write about.  I’m also not one of those people where I will bail as long as I don’t feel uncomfortable and not being disrespected in any way, I tend to stay.   I have to reiterate that he was not drunk and is just a very blunt man who doesn’t think before he speaks, nor does he care what the other person thinks.  So drum roll please, here are all things that came out of this man’s mouth:

  • explained how I passed all his requirements and proceeded to list them
  • asked if I’m willing to pop out 2 to 3 kids
  • told me his penis size, although I don’t know why because it’s nothing to brag about
  • how he loves to date Asians (and by the way am not)
  • he is no longer friends with his best friend because he slept with one of the girls he used to date
  • asked me multiple times why I’m single
  • complimented my butt several times even though I was wearing a baggy long shirt that covered it
  • asked to touch my butt
  • asked me to make-out
  • how he likes to be physically and sexually attracted to his partner or else it will not work

Now, he wasn’t a complete idiot and was able to pay me compliments on my attire and told me several times how beautiful I was.  I must admit I was flattered and it was nice to hear because most men don’t do that either however he ruined it with everything else.  Three and half hours later the date was over, I asked him to walk me to my car or I highly doubt he would have. I gave him a hug and said thank you!!!.  It’s been 3 days later and although he has texted me, I think by now he knows there will not be a second date.  Stay tuned for the next one haha