Carwash-ed

It’s was a normal Saturday afternoon, I had just finished grocery shopping and decided last minute that I needed to get my car washed.  A task that I tend to overlook because whenever I do it, it never fails and the next day it always rains. (By the way, we just had freezing rain on Sunday!)  However, my car was beyond filthy so I decided to text my friend and ask him for a good recommendation.  I won’t mention his name, but he sure did send me to a good place.  It was so good that he forgot to mention that it was a hole in the wall car wash.  I pulled into this car garage,  I saw no hoses, or any other sort of car wash contraptions but I did see men holding small towels.  So that was my indication that I was in the right makeshift car wash.  Most people would have probably reversed their car and sped the hell out of there but I wasn’t spooked.

I approached one man, and asked “how much for the car wash?”.  He looked directly into my eyes and shook his head as if he was saying no and then pointed to his ear.  My first thought was that they didn’t do car washes even though the bootleg sign outside said so.  Alright, no big deal the man was deaf and they were an equal opportunity shop.  Out of nowhere, another man offered me this deluxe package which included detailing the inside of my car.  After he quoted me the price, I was super excited because it was dirt cheap and too good to pass up.  I had received a great groupon deal on the spot!!!  I quickly asked if they accepted credit cards because these types of hole in the wall places only take cash.  I knew I only had enough cash for the car wash but before I could walk out, another man popped up.  He said “come I’ll take you to the bank to get money.” (Apparently I was not thinking.)

Well what do you know, the Dora the Explorer in me, accepted the adventure and was on my way to being chauffeured around.  The bank was only three minutes away  and didn’t give us enough time to chit chat.  He asked my name, and stated that I looked like a good person and wouldn’t normally offer to do this with a stranger.  I responded, “you don’t look like a psycho, so I accepted.”   After getting my money, he asked if I had eaten or wanted an alcoholic beverage because he could take me to the the liquor store.  Wow really, I couldn’t believe I declined a Colt45.  Was this man really trying to get me drunk at 2:45 pm?

He insisted that I should eat because it would be another hour before I get my car back.  He pulled up to some restaurant and asked me to stay in the car because he needed to get the menu.  At this point, I texted my friend because I wanted to be sure I told someone where I was before I mysteriously disappeared (funny but not funny).  He gave me his recommendation and said that I should eat the salmon because all women are on diets and it’s the healthiest dish on the menu.  Although, I am, I ordered french fries, hot dog and a ginger ale.   While waiting for my food, that’s when the conversion took a complete turn to never ever land. It went something like this:

Weirdo – you are very pretty even under all those rags that you are wearing.  Yes, I wore a huge coat, scarf, sweats and Uggs.  Luckily (or not so lucky) I had blow dried my hair that morning
Me – thanks, yeah I wasn’t planning on going to a party

Weirdo – show me a picture of yourself because I know you dress up
Me – I didn’t hesitate and showed him some pictures from Instagram
Weirdo – shakes his head and says that he doesn’t see what he likes
Me – I don’t get it, I responded.  If you are looking for slutty pictures that’s not my style
Weirdo – with a giggle, he said I’m looking for butt cheeks
Me – I laughed but not with my your so funny type of laugh, but an oh shit this guy is nuts and how the hell am I going to escape

Weirdo – you have thick legs and went for the touch (he must of had x-ray vision to see through my baggy sweat pants)
Me – smacked his hand and said so I’ve been told
Weirdo – well that’s what I like
Me – in a stern voice I said you better relax yourself

Weirdo – can I take you out later, preferably after 12 am that’s when the night life starts
Me – NO, I have plans and I’m in bed by 10 (did he think I would jump up and down at this opportunity)

Weirdo – why don’t you have a boyfriend (I guess I gave that away a long time ago)
Me – I’m very picky (elaborated PICKY) and anyway I have no job and I’m broke
Weirdo – Muted.  I could see that he was thinking that I was one of those girls that would take his money
Me – (Yes, my plan worked and ofcourse I have a job and I’m not broke)

There was more to what this buffoon had said but I’ll fast forward to the end of the longest ten minutes of my life.  He finally left to get my food.  He handed it to me in silence and turned the volume of the music extremely loud as if I was invisible.  It was an awkward moment to say the least, but then it dawned on me that he was upset.  But not because I declined his shenanigans but rather because I was broke without a job.  Hahaha I killed his mojo.  There was no exchange in words, he pulled up to the car wash and I just followed behind him.   I was relieved that I was finally out of the creeper zone.  An hour later, I paid for the services and got out of there as fast as I could.

Ohhh did I mention this entire dialogue was in Spanish.  The man did not speak a cent of English.  I learned some valuable lessons here; never do my hair and wear sweat pants because it will attract more losers, baggy sweat pants are sexy, don’t take car rides to the bank, always bring extra cash and lastly, learn to say “me no espeakee Spanish”.

Third Time Is A Bust

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I’m baffled by why some men will do all the “right” things to get a woman to go out on a date and yet they don’t see a serious relationship anywhere in their near future.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one date will determine or lead to a serious relationship.  But why invest time in calling/texting, showing genuine interest, effort and money if the objective is to date only for fun and not have a serious goal in mind.  In the beginning dating should be fun for both parties, but I’m past that stage.   I’m not dating to have a good old time and I date so that eventually I meet someone I’m compatible with and could put and end to this vicious dating cycle.  In my experience some men that I’ve encountered, yes they do only want to score, others were juggling women and couldn’t decide what to do, had an ex lingering around that they weren’t ready to walk away from, had commitment issues and others were in the miscellaneous category because I don’t know what the hell was wrong with them.  I also choose to believe that not all men will go to the extremes just to get laid but maybe I’m wrong.  So I ask why are there so many men out there who don’t want relationships but just want to date the entire country?

Which brings me to mention this man that I met a month ago and went out on two dates.  The first date was normal everything seemed to be going according to plan, there were no blatant red flags, he was easy on the eyes and very respectful.  Throughout the entire night he acted a bit aloof and I concluded that he was not interested in pursuing me any further.  I can normally read men pretty easily because they tend to be verbally or physically able to show that they are interested.  But I couldn’t make heads or tails with this one.  So we hugged and said our good byes.  But to my surprise,  on the ride back home, I received texts that clearly said he had a great time, complimented me and shared his thoughts on how the date went and asked to see me again.  I was in shock that we both had mutual intentions.

Leading up to the second date, I started to pick up on some things, as I like to call them shady behaviors (that will be on another blog).  By nature I’m an analyzer and I pick up on small things but it’s my instinct and intuition that always drives it home for me.  Bottom line, his actions were not in sync with his spit game.  The second date rolls around after two weeks and now we are a bit more comfortable with each other.  I was excited and not thinking of any of the previous minor red flags.  I wanted to have fun and hoped that it would lead to date #3.  Once again date was on point;  laughter, chemistry and flow of conversation were all there.  Until I started to get distracted by his phone going off, him texting and stated that his friend was trying to reach him because he wanted to meet up with us.  Mmmmm, whattttt…why would you ask your friend to meet up with us after dinner, I started to smell a hint of B.S.  I didn’t verbally say what I was thinking as I’m sure he would dropped my ass home.   By this point I no longer had a buzz and I was starting to see the clear picture, “he’s not that into you”.   It was as if he was physically there but not really present.  We finished dinner and later headed to a bar for some additional drinks.   I was confused because I thought the date was over but I went along with it, I’m not a party pooper.  After an hour of being at the bar,  he bluntly said “I’m done with my drink”.  As if that was my signal to hurry up and finish my drink because he was ready to leave. I thought that was a bit rude but I took his lead and we left.  He pulled up to my place and I was annoyed and ready to make snarky remarks.   Yet before I could give him a piece of my mind, he began to say how he wanted to take me out again and how he had a great time blah blah blah.   I quickly replied, “so I’ll see you in  another two weeks” and he just giggled and disagreed.   I was tired and didn’t want to engage in small chat so I asked him to walk me in.  He stuttered and said to the door or to the front gate…..this is when I knew I didn’t pick the brightest bulb out of the bunch.

I didn’t hear from him for the next few days.  My gut feeling was telling me that he wasn’t focused because there was another female in the picture.  Again, it’s okay to do that but for the love of dating learn to juggle and be discreet about it.  Did he really think I was that dumb to think I wouldn’t catch on to his shenanigans?  Needless to say, I caught him in a lie that I did not overlook.   He did eventually reach out to me and I just responded with, “do you think I’m dumb”? Yes, I acknowledge that was a bit random and crazy but it was the truth.  I wanted to be sure that he understood I was not willing to play the same game.   And what do you know,  I haven’t heard from him ever since that last text.  Third time is not always a charm, in my case it was a bust!!!!  Through these experiences, I feel that some men may think because they are good at wining and dining that I will be naïve to everything else.  When the red flags are there, I will be on you like flies on shit and then walk away.  Please be up front and don’t wait to be told you are doing something wrong.  I’m no one to judge, I don’t see anything wrong with dating multiple people at the same time but don’t blatantly lie and get caught that’s just setting up the stage for a disaster.

Jeepers Creepers

For some reason people who are in relationships all of a sudden seem to be experts on being single. I get advice like, “take your time your still young”…compared to a 50 yr old I might be. “Your too picky”…If I have it together so should he. “Your always finding something wrong before you even meet them”…usually I’m right, they’re weirdos. “In time it will come”…I’ve been waiting for 34 years. “Fast never last, slow always goes”…any slower I’ll turn into a turtle. And my ultimate favorite advice, “relationships are overrated”…really because last I heard that’s what leads to marriage.

I get it relationships can be complicated and it’s not always easy sailing. However, I’m not winning any type of prize by staying single. Both relationship statuses have their pros and cons. I personally would like, “sex on the reg”…and would exchange it any day for my singlehood. Dating is fun and exciting but it can also be depressing, annoying, lonely, boring and to top it off I get the luxury of meeting weirdos. And to prove it, here are the best creeper lines of 2014. I still have the rest of the year so stay tuned as I’m sure this list will get longer!!!

  • Send me some pics. I’m undecided about you
  • Under 5 ft is such a turn on for me. Good job
  • You are so adorable, I want to adopt you
  • I’m living in this area because of my parole. I have to live in a half way house because of illegal gun possession
  • It’s hard for a man, I don’t know what they can say to stand out and grasp our attention
  • I’m not a photographer but I can picture you and me together
  • Your sooooper cute. I want to cuddle you
  • Your crazy
  • I once kissed a girl and she said she got wet, damn
  • I don’t date
  • I don’t get dressed up on dates, if you want to do that go out with your girls
  • I don’t do dates, I only take a girlfriend out
  • I should confess, I have 3 kids
  • Your very pretty, but I’ve dated prettier
  • Oh that’s not my real name, I made it up
  • Do you watch porn
  • I’ve been single for like 10 years
  • You’re racist
  • Have you had a three some
  • What color are you everywhere
  • What’s your favorite toy
  • How about we go 50/50
  • You missed out, I could of taken you to Outback Steakhouse
  • My cats would love you
  • *Today I wished someone new and interesting, could we exchange numbers
  • *Physically. ..smelling nice hair, full lips, soft skin, firm breast, an ass to grab onto, not small not big either, smooth vag and yes a nice smelling vag that gets soaked and wet and doesn’t look like roast beef.
  • Read some others from Friday Night Adventure

*These have been shared from friends of mine, who also encounter winners!

Updated 5/12/14

Dating Saga #3

My date ends up in the ER after getting punched in the face on our first date…and the saga begins. First, I picked a place and told him to meet me there and he later calls me to tell me that he is at the restaurant and it’s closed.  At that point, I couldn’t think of any other place that wasn’t to brightly lit in case he wasn’t easy on the eyes and I had to be close to home in case I needed to run away.  I decided to go to Cheesecake Factory, dimmed and safe environment, good food and great drinks.  To my surprise, the guy was a handsome 30 year old.  I was relieved that I could look at him without squirming.  Throughout, the night I seemed to think we had a spark and a good conversation going. Most importantly the drinks were flowing.  I could tell I had his attention by the way he was looking at me and his body language started to change.

It’s now almost 12 a.m. and he asked if I wanted to continue the night and an go to a “lounge” (AKA bar with music and place to sit for adults).  I wasn’t really tired and was genuinely having a good time so I accepted.  We get to the place, dancing the night away without a care in the world. Until…..everything changed.

I reached for my bottled water and when I turned back, I see a short statured man speaking to my date.  In a matter of a few minutes, I see my date punch the other guy in the face and the drunk bastard punches my date in the face.  Before I know it, the bouncers are escorting the two men out and I’m calmly standing there thinking “is this really happening on a first date”. hahaha.  The other guys wife approaches me and says, “was he hitting you or mistreating you”.  I looked at her stunned and yelled,
“this is my first date why the f*** would he be abusing me”. And proceeded to tell her that she’s the one married to an a-hole.  She apologized and walked away. 

Long story short, the guy who approached my date really thought he was hitting me or something and tried to be the hero of a fictitious story he made up.  I later accompanied my date to the hospital because we wanted to be sure he didn’t break anything.  This will be one of my most memorable dates ever!!!!!  Until next time.