Carwash-ed

It’s was a normal Saturday afternoon, I had just finished grocery shopping and decided last minute that I needed to get my car washed.  A task that I tend to overlook because whenever I do it, it never fails and the next day it always rains. (By the way, we just had freezing rain on Sunday!)  However, my car was beyond filthy so I decided to text my friend and ask him for a good recommendation.  I won’t mention his name, but he sure did send me to a good place.  It was so good that he forgot to mention that it was a hole in the wall car wash.  I pulled into this car garage,  I saw no hoses, or any other sort of car wash contraptions but I did see men holding small towels.  So that was my indication that I was in the right makeshift car wash.  Most people would have probably reversed their car and sped the hell out of there but I wasn’t spooked.

I approached one man, and asked “how much for the car wash?”.  He looked directly into my eyes and shook his head as if he was saying no and then pointed to his ear.  My first thought was that they didn’t do car washes even though the bootleg sign outside said so.  Alright, no big deal the man was deaf and they were an equal opportunity shop.  Out of nowhere, another man offered me this deluxe package which included detailing the inside of my car.  After he quoted me the price, I was super excited because it was dirt cheap and too good to pass up.  I had received a great groupon deal on the spot!!!  I quickly asked if they accepted credit cards because these types of hole in the wall places only take cash.  I knew I only had enough cash for the car wash but before I could walk out, another man popped up.  He said “come I’ll take you to the bank to get money.” (Apparently I was not thinking.)

Well what do you know, the Dora the Explorer in me, accepted the adventure and was on my way to being chauffeured around.  The bank was only three minutes away  and didn’t give us enough time to chit chat.  He asked my name, and stated that I looked like a good person and wouldn’t normally offer to do this with a stranger.  I responded, “you don’t look like a psycho, so I accepted.”   After getting my money, he asked if I had eaten or wanted an alcoholic beverage because he could take me to the the liquor store.  Wow really, I couldn’t believe I declined a Colt45.  Was this man really trying to get me drunk at 2:45 pm?

He insisted that I should eat because it would be another hour before I get my car back.  He pulled up to some restaurant and asked me to stay in the car because he needed to get the menu.  At this point, I texted my friend because I wanted to be sure I told someone where I was before I mysteriously disappeared (funny but not funny).  He gave me his recommendation and said that I should eat the salmon because all women are on diets and it’s the healthiest dish on the menu.  Although, I am, I ordered french fries, hot dog and a ginger ale.   While waiting for my food, that’s when the conversion took a complete turn to never ever land. It went something like this:

Weirdo – you are very pretty even under all those rags that you are wearing.  Yes, I wore a huge coat, scarf, sweats and Uggs.  Luckily (or not so lucky) I had blow dried my hair that morning
Me – thanks, yeah I wasn’t planning on going to a party

Weirdo – show me a picture of yourself because I know you dress up
Me – I didn’t hesitate and showed him some pictures from Instagram
Weirdo – shakes his head and says that he doesn’t see what he likes
Me – I don’t get it, I responded.  If you are looking for slutty pictures that’s not my style
Weirdo – with a giggle, he said I’m looking for butt cheeks
Me – I laughed but not with my your so funny type of laugh, but an oh shit this guy is nuts and how the hell am I going to escape

Weirdo – you have thick legs and went for the touch (he must of had x-ray vision to see through my baggy sweat pants)
Me – smacked his hand and said so I’ve been told
Weirdo – well that’s what I like
Me – in a stern voice I said you better relax yourself

Weirdo – can I take you out later, preferably after 12 am that’s when the night life starts
Me – NO, I have plans and I’m in bed by 10 (did he think I would jump up and down at this opportunity)

Weirdo – why don’t you have a boyfriend (I guess I gave that away a long time ago)
Me – I’m very picky (elaborated PICKY) and anyway I have no job and I’m broke
Weirdo – Muted.  I could see that he was thinking that I was one of those girls that would take his money
Me – (Yes, my plan worked and ofcourse I have a job and I’m not broke)

There was more to what this buffoon had said but I’ll fast forward to the end of the longest ten minutes of my life.  He finally left to get my food.  He handed it to me in silence and turned the volume of the music extremely loud as if I was invisible.  It was an awkward moment to say the least, but then it dawned on me that he was upset.  But not because I declined his shenanigans but rather because I was broke without a job.  Hahaha I killed his mojo.  There was no exchange in words, he pulled up to the car wash and I just followed behind him.   I was relieved that I was finally out of the creeper zone.  An hour later, I paid for the services and got out of there as fast as I could.

Ohhh did I mention this entire dialogue was in Spanish.  The man did not speak a cent of English.  I learned some valuable lessons here; never do my hair and wear sweat pants because it will attract more losers, baggy sweat pants are sexy, don’t take car rides to the bank, always bring extra cash and lastly, learn to say “me no espeakee Spanish”.

3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

I haven’t had too much free time on my hands to blog. But hopefully in a month I’ll have a few days off where I can unwind and share my thoughts on what’s been going on. I haven’t been dating much but I still got some stories sitting on the back burner.

I just wanted to share this article, it’s short, sweet and to the point: (And most importantly I had time to read it!)
3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

1. Play the game – DON’T DO PLAY, just go with the flow. If it’s supposed to happen it will.

2. Never split the check – Now a days it’s a myth, offer to pay after a few initials dates. If you don’t want this to be a mans world, pay a little too!

3. You’ll find love when you least expect it – I’ve heard this a quadrillion times and I’m glad the article is on my side. I may find it when I least expect it but I’m going to have to put in some work. As my parents used to tell me, “si quieres pescar, mojate”. Translation, if you want to fish, get wet.

Thanks Self Magazine!!!

Until next time!

After The Storm

We all speak the same universal language of emotion. Whether it’s a short or long term relationship, when it ends we either feel like a huge rock has been lifted from our shoulders or deeply hurt because we didn’t anticipate it. Regardless of the reason, there is still a void in our hearts and a rollercoaster of emotions that takes place. There is no manual to advise us on how we move on or what to feel but what is a fact is that in time the heart does go on!!!

We

  • hurt
  • are broken hearted
  • feel guilt
  • regret
  • think it will never get better
  • are disappointed
  • question the relationship
  • are devastated
  • carry a heaviness in our hearts
  • feel like it’s unbearable pain
  • self doubt
  • cry
  • get angry
  • get sad
  • get drunk
  • drunk text
  • shut down
  • lie to ourselves to provide comfort
  • dwell
  • reminisce
  • listen to music
  • talk bad about the person
  • can’t stop talking about the person
  • write our feelings down
  • vent to our friends
  • become insecure
  • think we will never find love
  • replay the end over and over
  • think of ways to fix it
  • pretend to be robots
  • become heartless
  • sense of relief

Guess what?? In time,

  • our heavy hearts heal
  • we survive
  • we refocus
  • we are grateful
  • we smile
  • we regain happiness
  • we become stronger
  • we moved on

In the end we shed the armor suit that we are accustomed to wearing and open ourselves to love.

Welcome LOVE, and love deeply, passionately and most importantly genuinely.

I Get The Best Advice From A Guy!

“Men have thirsty moments”

“Even with a business suit, you can’t deter pervs”

“F***k love, it’s overated”

“Your so hung up on titles, just give him some”

“Your not dating, your in a relationship”

“All they want is something warm and wet with a little heat”

“Marry for money”

“Wait til he buys a house”

“Don’t discount the married ones”

“Why are you single”

“You’ve dated like 100 guys”

“People are leaving you because you
don’t put out”

“It’s all about the magic dust”

“His intention is to land you”

“Every guy has an agenda”

“The problem is you date men with ghetto shaving styles”

“They want to get in your pants”

“You have too many requirements”

“He’s a stand up guy, he lives with his mom”

“Nice guys always finish last”

“Girls strive for drama”

“If there is no drama, you’ll create it”

“He dumped you because you wanted kids”

“When your that hot, you’re allowed to”

“Guys that send flowers are full of s**t”

Disclaimer: By no means do I listen to this advice, If I did I may have a man.

Updated 4/26/14