Carwash-ed

It’s was a normal Saturday afternoon, I had just finished grocery shopping and decided last minute that I needed to get my car washed.  A task that I tend to overlook because whenever I do it, it never fails and the next day it always rains. (By the way, we just had freezing rain on Sunday!)  However, my car was beyond filthy so I decided to text my friend and ask him for a good recommendation.  I won’t mention his name, but he sure did send me to a good place.  It was so good that he forgot to mention that it was a hole in the wall car wash.  I pulled into this car garage,  I saw no hoses, or any other sort of car wash contraptions but I did see men holding small towels.  So that was my indication that I was in the right makeshift car wash.  Most people would have probably reversed their car and sped the hell out of there but I wasn’t spooked.

I approached one man, and asked “how much for the car wash?”.  He looked directly into my eyes and shook his head as if he was saying no and then pointed to his ear.  My first thought was that they didn’t do car washes even though the bootleg sign outside said so.  Alright, no big deal the man was deaf and they were an equal opportunity shop.  Out of nowhere, another man offered me this deluxe package which included detailing the inside of my car.  After he quoted me the price, I was super excited because it was dirt cheap and too good to pass up.  I had received a great groupon deal on the spot!!!  I quickly asked if they accepted credit cards because these types of hole in the wall places only take cash.  I knew I only had enough cash for the car wash but before I could walk out, another man popped up.  He said “come I’ll take you to the bank to get money.” (Apparently I was not thinking.)

Well what do you know, the Dora the Explorer in me, accepted the adventure and was on my way to being chauffeured around.  The bank was only three minutes away  and didn’t give us enough time to chit chat.  He asked my name, and stated that I looked like a good person and wouldn’t normally offer to do this with a stranger.  I responded, “you don’t look like a psycho, so I accepted.”   After getting my money, he asked if I had eaten or wanted an alcoholic beverage because he could take me to the the liquor store.  Wow really, I couldn’t believe I declined a Colt45.  Was this man really trying to get me drunk at 2:45 pm?

He insisted that I should eat because it would be another hour before I get my car back.  He pulled up to some restaurant and asked me to stay in the car because he needed to get the menu.  At this point, I texted my friend because I wanted to be sure I told someone where I was before I mysteriously disappeared (funny but not funny).  He gave me his recommendation and said that I should eat the salmon because all women are on diets and it’s the healthiest dish on the menu.  Although, I am, I ordered french fries, hot dog and a ginger ale.   While waiting for my food, that’s when the conversion took a complete turn to never ever land. It went something like this:

Weirdo – you are very pretty even under all those rags that you are wearing.  Yes, I wore a huge coat, scarf, sweats and Uggs.  Luckily (or not so lucky) I had blow dried my hair that morning
Me – thanks, yeah I wasn’t planning on going to a party

Weirdo – show me a picture of yourself because I know you dress up
Me – I didn’t hesitate and showed him some pictures from Instagram
Weirdo – shakes his head and says that he doesn’t see what he likes
Me – I don’t get it, I responded.  If you are looking for slutty pictures that’s not my style
Weirdo – with a giggle, he said I’m looking for butt cheeks
Me – I laughed but not with my your so funny type of laugh, but an oh shit this guy is nuts and how the hell am I going to escape

Weirdo – you have thick legs and went for the touch (he must of had x-ray vision to see through my baggy sweat pants)
Me – smacked his hand and said so I’ve been told
Weirdo – well that’s what I like
Me – in a stern voice I said you better relax yourself

Weirdo – can I take you out later, preferably after 12 am that’s when the night life starts
Me – NO, I have plans and I’m in bed by 10 (did he think I would jump up and down at this opportunity)

Weirdo – why don’t you have a boyfriend (I guess I gave that away a long time ago)
Me – I’m very picky (elaborated PICKY) and anyway I have no job and I’m broke
Weirdo – Muted.  I could see that he was thinking that I was one of those girls that would take his money
Me – (Yes, my plan worked and ofcourse I have a job and I’m not broke)

There was more to what this buffoon had said but I’ll fast forward to the end of the longest ten minutes of my life.  He finally left to get my food.  He handed it to me in silence and turned the volume of the music extremely loud as if I was invisible.  It was an awkward moment to say the least, but then it dawned on me that he was upset.  But not because I declined his shenanigans but rather because I was broke without a job.  Hahaha I killed his mojo.  There was no exchange in words, he pulled up to the car wash and I just followed behind him.   I was relieved that I was finally out of the creeper zone.  An hour later, I paid for the services and got out of there as fast as I could.

Ohhh did I mention this entire dialogue was in Spanish.  The man did not speak a cent of English.  I learned some valuable lessons here; never do my hair and wear sweat pants because it will attract more losers, baggy sweat pants are sexy, don’t take car rides to the bank, always bring extra cash and lastly, learn to say “me no espeakee Spanish”.

Seasoned Bachelors

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who is about 42+ years old and you guessed it, she is also single.  She is accomplished, owns her company, intelligent and single mother of one.  She began sharing her stories about the men she’s met, dated, and those she has decided to stay in contact with.  These men are not young, they are of a mature age.  Because of her busy schedule, she has resorted to online dating and I would have to agree that for her it’s probably the best option.  She expressed how she has had no good luck, only disappointments but yet she isn’t ready to give up on finding love (sound familiar).  As I’m quietly listening, I’m thinking holy shit nothing changes as one gets older. I’m screwed!!!!

Here were her bachelors:

Bachelor #1 – the Starving Artist; lives a plane ride away.  He would be the perfect candidate except he doesn’t have a steady income and to see him would cost more than a nice pair of shoes.  When a man asks, will you support me?   You better run for the hills.  If it was me I would of never entertained him but when you have a connection with someone I guess your heart is leading more than the brain.

Bachelor #2 – the Disappearing Act;  Typical bad boy persona but camouflaged by his successful career, carefree mentality and a personality that meshes well with anyone.  The catch, it took him a few months to confess that he was still married and in the middle of a divorce.  He travels around the world without a care but yet dodges every chance to meet up with my friend.  However, he still reaches out to her for conversation (texts).  This type is the most intriguing but I know now in the long run this man would also not be a keeper.  But he’s temporarily entertaining her and that works for her.

Bachelor #3 – the Charmer; Speaks eloquently and seduces her with his words.   Has an art for painting a pretty picture that is very hard to not imagine oneself in it.  The charmer only says what he wants her to hear but won’t commit to anything including taking her out on a date.  His bait is to stay in communication even when she may not want to but who can ignore “good morning” text messages followed by “your beautiful” blah, blah, blah.  Been there and done that, I can spot a con artist from a mile a way.

Bachelor #4 – the Mr. Nice Guy;  I can’t speak for all women, but the ones I’ve encountered (including myself) claim that we can’t find a nice guy or that they are all taken or have fallen off the face of this planet.  Reality is a handful are still out there but the problem is that they are “not our type.”  Which typically means there is a lack of attraction and/or chemistry.  I don’t think a man can ever be too nice but yet I know many of us really wish to find the perfect balance between a nice and bad boy type .  (I highly doubt they exist).  Since he was the nice guy, he actually asked her out on date.   Towards the end of the date she said she felt no chemistry and that was the end of Mr. Nice Guy.  I’ve also have been in this exact situation and have felt the same way.  Hoping that he would grow on me by the end of the night, but I don’t dismiss him until I’m certain he is a wreck.  If I see potential even though I feel no chemistry, I will take a risk.

I’m really trying to believe that all the Mr. Wrongs and Mr. Not Right Nows will lead me to what suits me best.  One is still out there!

 

 

‘Tis The Season

to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la….

I love the end of the year because I get to celebrate several holidays that are so close to each other; I get to spend quality time with my family, give/receive gifts (always nice), volunteer (although this year with my crazy schedule, I opted out).  But the best part is that I get some days off from work and get to eat whatever I want without feeling guilty.  All while gaining a couple of pounds and then I make excuses and blame it on the holiday season.  It’s a win win for everyone!

The holiday season is a time to spend it with loved ones but for me it’s also a great reminder that if it wasn’t for my immediate family it would just be me, myself, and I.   Now, don’t get me wrong I know I’m never going to be truly alone but it’s the feeling that I get during this time of a year.  I have a close circle of friends who I know I can count on if I ever needed them.  But as I get older the reality sets in a little deeper and that is that all my friends have their own families; boyfriends, fiancés, husbands and children that they will be spending time with.

I’m not here to throw myself a pity party that’s not my style because I have everything that I’ve worked so hard for and I’m thankful, appreciative for every single thing and friends that I have in my life.  I know there are people that have it a lot worst. They may not have an immediate family, have lost someone close to them, or may not even have a place to call home.  As my friend always tells me, “be happy that you aren’t shitting into a colostomy bag”.  And I truly am happy but I’m also human and I’m allowed to have emotions that resonate when the holiday season comes around.  And it’s not intentional but I do have constant cues all around me especially from the mouths of people that don’t know me and question my single status.

My normal tradition for Thanksgiving and Christmas is to go to my parent’s house for dinner with my brothers.  We don’t do anything fancy, just the five of us enjoying a home cooked meal and spending time together.  There was nothing out if the ordinary that occurred for Christmas but for Thanksgiving, that’s another story.  The day after Thanksgiving, I went back to my parent’s house for some left overs and to my surprise my parents had a guest (they never have company).

It was one of my dad’s long time friend who lives out of state, so I guess this was a special occasion.  The friend came with his 5 year old daughter but no wife.  If I had to guess I would say he is in his late forties and remarried twice (so he must be an expert in relationships) .  Since he was not paying attention to his daughter, I had the lovely task of entertaining and playing with her.  Out of no where the friend yells from across the room to get my attention.  And I hear one of many annoying questions I’m accustomed to getting.  But yet I’m always caught of guard and feel like I never have the answer that will shut them up.  Out of respect for my elders, the answers I really want to give, I always keep to myself.   Here it comes,  “are you dating? why aren’t you married by now? how old are you again?”  After I disclosed my age, he continued with his questions, one being “what are you doing wrong?”  I gave him a snarky remark that I’m not the problem and it’s the type of men that I meet.

He proceeded to have a conversation by himself as I was not really engaged and I was more excited to play with a five year old than participate in this f.a.q.  However, my parents were his audience so he continued.  After the questions, came the advice and the judgmental comments.  His job was to figure out why I was single and he was going to give me the answer I was so desperately searching for.   Ah ha, “you must be very picky” stated the friend.  And I responded respectfully that I should be picky and have standards because if I have my life together then the other person should also be at the same level as me.    His worldly advice came next.  I shouldn’t give up (who said I did),  I have to think positive (who said I’m not) and the best one was that I should try online dating (been there, done that) or perhaps go back to my country because I’m guaranteed to find someone there (great, marry for papers).  Normally, comments like this don’t phase me but this was all coming from someone who barely knew me.  The kicker is he met his second wife through an online dating site which I didn’t even care to ask what it was.

My parents must of been having the time of their life listening to this banter.  My parents have never questioned why I’m single or pressured me for marriage or grandchildren.  Surprisingly, my mother chimed in and said, “I think she’s the problem.”  At this point, I was annoyed and hurt but not by the friend but by my mother’s response.  How could she say that and worst yet that she actually thought that I’m to blame and at fault for being single.  Meanwhile she’s heard about all my heartbreaks and disappointments.  I was in shock, but I had to remain the three Cs…cool, calm, collected.  As I’m sitting there trying to ignore them and not letting their 50 questions get to me.  I wanted to yell, curse and defend myself but I decided I wasn’t going to.  I didn’t need to explain why I’m single or defend myself especially to my own family.  I’ve learned staying silent isn’t a sign a weakness, it’s just simply giving me a chance to not black out on people and demonstrating that I don’t need to fight with words.  I now rather listen, absorb, and analyze all the things I hear and if it’s worthwhile I’ll retain it.

But I must say it is frustrating when people don’t understand that I’m doing everything that I can to put myself out there and it’s just not happening for me.  It’s not my time right now and I’m okay with that.  Do people think I suddenly just woke up and don’t have a clue on what it’s like to be single, hmmm I wonder.  I love how people think they know what it’s like to be single when they haven’t gone out on a date in several years. I know the advise I get is only to be taken in a positive light and to motivate me.  However, at this stage in my life I’m pretty sure I’ve heard about 90% of the same advise.  I’m a learner by nature and I don’t mind constructive criticism.  I’ve actually reached out and asked about myself so that I don’t make the same mistakes.  So for now, I’m going to keep on trucking and ignore what everyone says haha.

Happy New Year everyone!

And the Cycle Continues…

Ahhhh to keep dating all over again, it’s a never ending saga!!! Some say it’s a blessing because it is fun and brings with it new opportunities to meet men. Partially that’s the truth but dating can also be very discouraging when it ends in unpredictable ways. Finally when I think I’ve mastered dating, I have to walk away, let it go, think positive and have to do it all over again.

The first meeting as I like to call them is the break it or make it phase. If I can get pass the first date and not want to run out of the place, then I know there is a slim chance I may see him again. The initial anxiety of meeting a complete stranger has now gone away. It’s sad but I rarely get nervous, but I still do get excited (depends on who it’s with ha). So after a couple of dates into it, I’ve decided that this person fits into my norm. Everything is moving a long, there are no signs that he’s psychotic and I’m actually liking the person that I’m getting to know. I’m even getting excited like a high school girl, daydreaming and thinking what the future may have in store for us.

A few months later have breezed on by, and out of no where, I get this strange feeling that something is wrong. My instincts kick in and in a dash I reach out to him inquiring if he is alright. The uncalming sensation in the pit of my stomach continues because of his response, “I’m fine”. Women usually say this, so when a man says this its usually a trigger word that there is a problem but it’s not the right time for it to be disclosed. Panic and other unsettling emotions soon follow because I realize that his actions and how I’m feeling are a bit too familiar. I’m trying to think positive but deep down I know that he wants to call it quits.  He will look deep into my eyes and tell me “its not going to work”, “we shouldn’t see each other anymore” or the magic words, “It’s me, not you”. So after a few days of making my observations, I’ve now confirmed the moment is approaching and it’s right around the corner. There is a pang in my heart because here comes the disappointment I’ve been so desperately trying to avoid. In my head, I begin to quickly run through all the scenarios and all the things that I could have done wrong. And the anxiety only intensifies.

I get a text from him, “can I come over” and of course I say sure.   It’s a typical weekend, but instead of getting ready to go out on a date.  I’m distracting myself by trying to look cute so that he has one last great mental picture of me. But no matter what I do or say to myself, I can’t prepare enough for the moment that is about to occur.  I open the door and lock eyes with him, hoping that he has changed his mind but the coldness that radiates from within him lets me  know that his plan is still on. He sits beside me in the awkward silence that feels like eternity and he glances over to me me and says exactly what I’ve been dreading, “we need to stop seeing each other” and it’s quickly followed by “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you”.  And I think to myself, but you’re doing it anyway.  So I simply reply, “OK” and let him ramble on and disclose his reasons for not wanting to continue a good thing.  (Obviously in his eyes, it’s not good thing!) After each of us takes a turn at our debate and get to explain each other’s side,  the unavoidable moment comes when he gets up and says good-bye.

This is a very familar scenario to say the least and after it’s done, I’m always left with questions and feel doubtful of my actions.  What is one supposed to do?  Should I have said or done something differently to change the outcome?  Should I have stopped him and persuaded him to stay?   Or better yet, ask if we can work it out?  Pretend what he said never happened, and kiss him passionately?  Should I have pleaded my case?   Tell him that he is wrong and he is making the biggest mistake of his life?  But I know, in the long run he is doing me a favor and this is how it has to end.   So instead I look away and hold back the tears and let the feeling of emptiness set in and let him walk out of my life for one last time.  Although most of the time I don’t agree with the good-bye, I close my eyes and led God lead me in the right path and give me strength to do it all over again.

3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

I haven’t had too much free time on my hands to blog. But hopefully in a month I’ll have a few days off where I can unwind and share my thoughts on what’s been going on. I haven’t been dating much but I still got some stories sitting on the back burner.

I just wanted to share this article, it’s short, sweet and to the point: (And most importantly I had time to read it!)
3 Dating Commandments You Should Break

1. Play the game – DON’T DO PLAY, just go with the flow. If it’s supposed to happen it will.

2. Never split the check – Now a days it’s a myth, offer to pay after a few initials dates. If you don’t want this to be a mans world, pay a little too!

3. You’ll find love when you least expect it – I’ve heard this a quadrillion times and I’m glad the article is on my side. I may find it when I least expect it but I’m going to have to put in some work. As my parents used to tell me, “si quieres pescar, mojate”. Translation, if you want to fish, get wet.

Thanks Self Magazine!!!

Until next time!

Third Time Is A Bust

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I’m baffled by why some men will do all the “right” things to get a woman to go out on a date and yet they don’t see a serious relationship anywhere in their near future.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one date will determine or lead to a serious relationship.  But why invest time in calling/texting, showing genuine interest, effort and money if the objective is to date only for fun and not have a serious goal in mind.  In the beginning dating should be fun for both parties, but I’m past that stage.   I’m not dating to have a good old time and I date so that eventually I meet someone I’m compatible with and could put and end to this vicious dating cycle.  In my experience some men that I’ve encountered, yes they do only want to score, others were juggling women and couldn’t decide what to do, had an ex lingering around that they weren’t ready to walk away from, had commitment issues and others were in the miscellaneous category because I don’t know what the hell was wrong with them.  I also choose to believe that not all men will go to the extremes just to get laid but maybe I’m wrong.  So I ask why are there so many men out there who don’t want relationships but just want to date the entire country?

Which brings me to mention this man that I met a month ago and went out on two dates.  The first date was normal everything seemed to be going according to plan, there were no blatant red flags, he was easy on the eyes and very respectful.  Throughout the entire night he acted a bit aloof and I concluded that he was not interested in pursuing me any further.  I can normally read men pretty easily because they tend to be verbally or physically able to show that they are interested.  But I couldn’t make heads or tails with this one.  So we hugged and said our good byes.  But to my surprise,  on the ride back home, I received texts that clearly said he had a great time, complimented me and shared his thoughts on how the date went and asked to see me again.  I was in shock that we both had mutual intentions.

Leading up to the second date, I started to pick up on some things, as I like to call them shady behaviors (that will be on another blog).  By nature I’m an analyzer and I pick up on small things but it’s my instinct and intuition that always drives it home for me.  Bottom line, his actions were not in sync with his spit game.  The second date rolls around after two weeks and now we are a bit more comfortable with each other.  I was excited and not thinking of any of the previous minor red flags.  I wanted to have fun and hoped that it would lead to date #3.  Once again date was on point;  laughter, chemistry and flow of conversation were all there.  Until I started to get distracted by his phone going off, him texting and stated that his friend was trying to reach him because he wanted to meet up with us.  Mmmmm, whattttt…why would you ask your friend to meet up with us after dinner, I started to smell a hint of B.S.  I didn’t verbally say what I was thinking as I’m sure he would dropped my ass home.   By this point I no longer had a buzz and I was starting to see the clear picture, “he’s not that into you”.   It was as if he was physically there but not really present.  We finished dinner and later headed to a bar for some additional drinks.   I was confused because I thought the date was over but I went along with it, I’m not a party pooper.  After an hour of being at the bar,  he bluntly said “I’m done with my drink”.  As if that was my signal to hurry up and finish my drink because he was ready to leave. I thought that was a bit rude but I took his lead and we left.  He pulled up to my place and I was annoyed and ready to make snarky remarks.   Yet before I could give him a piece of my mind, he began to say how he wanted to take me out again and how he had a great time blah blah blah.   I quickly replied, “so I’ll see you in  another two weeks” and he just giggled and disagreed.   I was tired and didn’t want to engage in small chat so I asked him to walk me in.  He stuttered and said to the door or to the front gate…..this is when I knew I didn’t pick the brightest bulb out of the bunch.

I didn’t hear from him for the next few days.  My gut feeling was telling me that he wasn’t focused because there was another female in the picture.  Again, it’s okay to do that but for the love of dating learn to juggle and be discreet about it.  Did he really think I was that dumb to think I wouldn’t catch on to his shenanigans?  Needless to say, I caught him in a lie that I did not overlook.   He did eventually reach out to me and I just responded with, “do you think I’m dumb”? Yes, I acknowledge that was a bit random and crazy but it was the truth.  I wanted to be sure that he understood I was not willing to play the same game.   And what do you know,  I haven’t heard from him ever since that last text.  Third time is not always a charm, in my case it was a bust!!!!  Through these experiences, I feel that some men may think because they are good at wining and dining that I will be naïve to everything else.  When the red flags are there, I will be on you like flies on shit and then walk away.  Please be up front and don’t wait to be told you are doing something wrong.  I’m no one to judge, I don’t see anything wrong with dating multiple people at the same time but don’t blatantly lie and get caught that’s just setting up the stage for a disaster.

After The Storm

We all speak the same universal language of emotion. Whether it’s a short or long term relationship, when it ends we either feel like a huge rock has been lifted from our shoulders or deeply hurt because we didn’t anticipate it. Regardless of the reason, there is still a void in our hearts and a rollercoaster of emotions that takes place. There is no manual to advise us on how we move on or what to feel but what is a fact is that in time the heart does go on!!!

We

  • hurt
  • are broken hearted
  • feel guilt
  • regret
  • think it will never get better
  • are disappointed
  • question the relationship
  • are devastated
  • carry a heaviness in our hearts
  • feel like it’s unbearable pain
  • self doubt
  • cry
  • get angry
  • get sad
  • get drunk
  • drunk text
  • shut down
  • lie to ourselves to provide comfort
  • dwell
  • reminisce
  • listen to music
  • talk bad about the person
  • can’t stop talking about the person
  • write our feelings down
  • vent to our friends
  • become insecure
  • think we will never find love
  • replay the end over and over
  • think of ways to fix it
  • pretend to be robots
  • become heartless
  • sense of relief

Guess what?? In time,

  • our heavy hearts heal
  • we survive
  • we refocus
  • we are grateful
  • we smile
  • we regain happiness
  • we become stronger
  • we moved on

In the end we shed the armor suit that we are accustomed to wearing and open ourselves to love.

Welcome LOVE, and love deeply, passionately and most importantly genuinely.